As most of you know, I have not written a blog entry in several months now, and those who know me personally have some true insight into why. But there are times when a perfect storm of conversations and youtube clips will lead me to speak on a subject that all of us have been exposed to at one point or another. A lot of men are bold and desperate enough to do it, and because a LOT of women continue to fall for it, men will continue to do it. But before I go into it, I will speak on how the storm came together…….
I was having a conversation this past weekend with a friend of mine in Atlanta, and she was telling me about how a dude proposed to his girlfriend, more or less, at the club (yes, the CLUB). Although she accepted, the fact that a dude proposed at the club (in my opinion) is straight ghetto and lacks class. And being who I am, I decided to joke on it and talk about how dude probably had this song cued up after she said yes. I also talked to her about my Wednesday Wind Down experience when a dude should have aborted mission on site.
Fast forward a few days, and another conversation ensues where a woman hints at the demise of her current relationship. Without asking her for detail, she simply said “there are certain things that can’t be fixed”. I didn’t say anything to her at the time, but my initial thought was “I wonder if a ring would?”. Which brings me to this nice gem on youtube, courtesy of necolebitchie.com:
As you can see, a dude decides to propose to his girlfriend at the club and gets royally shot down. For starters…………. fellas, having ya boy sing a song on your behalf to your girl is a great idea on the surface (especially if you can’t hold a note), but having him sing a song with lyrics in the chorus that hint at you formerly having a lot of women is not necessarily a good idea when proposing (MESSAGE!!). Second, on both sides, you should have had the “marriage conversation” and leave that conversation knowing in your heart that this is the one for you. In other words, DUDE, you should have known she was going to say yes before you got down on one knee. If you have doubt with her answer, don’t propose…….. PERIOD.
However, that’s not the primary motivation for this blog…………….
If you go back and watch the clip again, you will notice that dude said “I can’t change what I did in the past” and you could read the girl’s lips and she said something to the effect of “you can’t fix this, this isn’t going to fix anything”. Now I applaud her for using her head to make what she felt was the best decision and not buckling to the pressure of accepting the proposal to not embarrass the dude, regardless of if it’s in public or private. It’s a shame for her that a moment she’s been dreaming about since she was a little girl had to come, from a man she knew wasn’t the one for her, in the middle of a packed CLUB. Her words alluded to a broken relationship that was beyond repair. Now dude could have been physically abusive, or dude’s infidelity could have been an issue. But here’s the problem that I have with this brotha’s Hail Mary football play: in most cases, IT WORKS!
Why does it work? Because women continue to fall for it. The story is always the same: man acts foul, isn’t on the up and up, messes up bad with his girl, who decides to or threatens to leave him. Now the man, who has taken his woman for granted, now realizes he’s at risk of losing the only woman in his life who will put up with him, and typical “discussion” is not getting him anywhere. So since conventional conversation has gained him no yards and time’s running out, a man will lay it all on the line and throw the Hail Mary pass of player moves, which I like to call “The Diamond Apology”, formerly known as The CCP (Cookie Control Proposal). This apology simply consists of a man using an engagement ring (the semi-official symbol of commitment) as a means to accomplish two things: get her back, AND shut her up.
It works so often because it gives most women the illusion of a man that’s ready to “make it right” and commit, but that’s not always the case. I recall a story from my early 20′s about a girl I chatted with on BlackPlanet, and she was talking about how she was dating a Euroleague ball player who kept cheating on her (in the US and in Europe) and was verbally abusive. She had one foot out the door, until her man showed up to her NY studio apartment with an apology, a “Performance Improvement Plan”, and a 3 carat diamond ring. Of course she accepted his apology and was now engaged to a man who virtually turned around and got on a plane back to Europe as soon as she said yes. Did they get married? Who knows, since she shut down her BP page as a sign of commitment to him (yeah I know, laughable). But several years later into my 30′s, and dozens of comparable stories later, the ploy still works.
To wrap this up, here are two takeways:
LADIES: Quit falling for this Day 26-ish BS move. As men, simply put, this move is less about our “love” for you and more about our ego. Don’t let your romantic and emotional apathy override your female intuition. You KNOW when a man’s not the one for you; don’t let societal and peer pressure put you in a non-value added situation where you’re a neglected woman with additional jewelry.
FELLAS: When you’re involved with a woman, DO RIGHT BY HER! Think about it: when you want a promotion at work, you have to perform at the next level in order to get promoted, right? Now why wouldn’t you do the same when it comes to the woman you want to be with? If you want to be a woman’s husband, you must perform at that level in order for God to ordain your union and bless you with that opportunity. So that means, love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25); don’t abuse her, don’t neglect her, don’t cheat on her, protect and provide for her (and I’m not talking physical protection or financial provision). If you do that, and your woman reciprocates that love to you, then you will avoid the fate of the brotha in the clip, or this poor guy in Houston.
I know a LOT of dudes might be mad at what I’m saying here, and some women too. But if you are, you really need to look in the mirror and determine the root cause of your anger. I’m just the educated messenger.
Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think, and/or share your experiences.