RichBrand: Hey man, I heard that Girl1’s trying to holla at you.
Dude1: Man, I’m cool on her.
Dude2: But I know you would hit that right?!
(silence)
D2: Rich, come on man, you would hit that right?!
RB: If I could guarantee that only me, her, and God knew about it, then I would consider it ONLY if I got super drunk, but I wouldn’t tell y’all.
D1: LOL That’s cold, but……… I share your sentiment. I’m really trying to smash Girl2 though.
D2: I got you on a round at Dream if you smash that, as long as you not trying to kick it with her and let it be known.
D1: Aight, I’ma hold you to that. Rich, what’s up with you and Girl3 from GW?
RB: Man, she’s cool, fun to hang around with, but……… she’s not as dynamic as the chicks we got classes with.
D2: Yeah man, we spoiled at HU. There some BAD ASS chicks here; you can’t just rock with no arbitrary average chick. D1: So wait, wait, wait……….. Rich, you say GW chick ain’t YardFest material?
RB: Let me put it this way…….. GW chick is comparable to Girl4 from Engineering. I’m saying, would you take her to yardfest?
(silence as everyone has this contemplative, yet Scooby Doo confused look on their face)
RB: Exactly!

If you don’t think those conversations happen once a month at a HBCU (in both men’s AND women’s dorms), then you really got some learning to do. But let me explain a few things for you. For those who have gone to a HBCU, you recognize that because of the afrocentric roots and community culture we embody in school, some of those folks that we have been in midterm battles and graduation war with are like family. These are the people who take notes for you when we have an interview for a job, who make you soup when you’re sick, lend money to you when you’re pledging in need. And for those who are family oriented, when you introduce someone to family, you’re not going to bring around the jumpoff or someone that’s marginal in your eyes.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way saying that the prerequisite is bringing a shiny DIME, but at the same time you must have total peace of mind when you bring that person around “family”. Ask anyone who went to Spelhouse, Howard, or FAMU about the “family reunion” dynamic that is HOMECOMING. Think about it: when that day comes that you are ready to walk through the door of your parents’ house to introduce that one person to them, are you going to bring home someone you’re not sold on? Are you bringing home the unabashed Drew Rat? Granted, college isn’t your real family (per se), but at the same time, it is. There are some married folks to this day who will not bring their spouses to homecoming because they know it’s not gonna be a good look for them to do so (the others actually want to have fun and know their spouse is a tool when it comes to having fun). Granted, your fellow alumni aren’t going home with you, but …….still…..you know?…….. ok anyway………

So for me, there are two key factors that make someone qualify to have the “YardFest” factor:

1. They must be in your “lane”
This one here can be explained by stating the following rhetorical questions:

If you went on from Spelman to become a neurosurgeon who’s very ambitious, are you going to marry a broke shoe salesman?
If you pledged Alpha at Howard, went on to get a JD/MBA and used that knowledge and skill to start your own record label and become a world renowned jazz musician, would you marry a rapper who looked and sounded like this?
I DIDN’T THINK SO!!! Bottom line: the person must be comparable to you and share similar values with you. Granted, you may be a doctor and your boo has a MBA and doesn’t make as much money as you, but they’re AT LEAST in the ballpark. Now if you’re a doctor and your boo’s three favorite words are “Welcome to Walmart”, then you might have an issue. LOL

2. There must be mutual peace of mind and security
When you bring your boo/spouse to the yard, after the first hour that you are out there you should have a good gage on how they feel about the situation. Now if this comes out of their mouth, peace of mind is gone or was never there:
“Baby, you know a lot of great and dynamic people. Wow………….. and you settled for me? Damn, I don’t know what to say.”
However, you know you got someone who knows their worth if this comes out instead:
“Baby, you know a lot of great and dynamic people. Wow………… they most not be that dynamic. They dumb as hell for not locking you up back then. Oh well, I got you now, and you got me. Let’s go get some funnel cakes, fried wings, and mambo sauce.”
Aligned with that, there has to be the peace of mind in you that stops you from indirectly (or directly) disrespecting your relationship by pushing up on that old crush from sophomore year who is STILL fine as hell to you. Trust and believe, I know from experience what it’s like to bring someone around “family” and you’re not sold on them all the way, and that becomes apparent to you, your boo, and the people around you.

In closing, everything I said above is left up to personal interpretation. You have to do what works for you and what you feel comfortable and secure with. The scale is this: If they’re not good enough to take around your real family, you might want to think twice about bringing them around “family”. As I said before, take it from someone who has made this mistake fairly recently and it brought a lot of things to light for me in terms of being more selective about who I bring around to people. Some people don’t care and will bring any ol’ body they please around to their people. As much as you can say “it shouldn’t matter what people think, you shouldn’t care”, to most folks it DOES matter what family and friends think, especially if they want to continue that relationship in their lives. For me, personally, it’s not about stuntin my trophy at Homecoming, it’s about making sure I get it right, and doing it ONCE (i.e. get married).

What do you guys think about this? Have you directly or indirectly used a comparable theory as a factor in someone’s potential or where they measure up to your subjective standard? It’s human to do so, so don’t be PC and lie about it. Let me know your thoughts for real.

With my current day job, I’m in the process of developing myself into a future leader. Part of that development means taking the time to really understand what it takes to be a leader, and shoring up those competencies that need improvement that I’m not currently displaying. Along with professional development, I’m working on my personal development as well and learning how to be a better man, day by day, one step at a time. Part of any growth opportunity is to lean into discomfort and be willing to accept criticism that comes from others, and also develop the ability to develop self-awareness, realize when you slip up, and find ways to correct your actions and/or methods going forward.

With that being said, over the last week or so, I have been truly thinking about my current state in terms of not being married yet. Over the last few months, I have continued to make tweaks in my approach to the whole endeavor (which I won’t go into detail about right now), and after talking to a few good friends, I have come to this harsh reality about RichBrand…………… I’m a DAMN HYPOCRITE!!!!!

Here’s where I’m going with this: the same things that we seem to knock some women on in terms of what they look for, I can’t even lie, I do my damn self. The same reasons some “independent black women” are single are the EXACT same reasons why I’m single. Some of them are habits I wish I could kick, other habits I’m unabashed about. The truth of the matter is that I’m a single, independent black man. And just like a typical “independent woman”, I do my own thing, make my own money, ambitious in my career, march to the beat of my own drum, and don’t need a woman for anything. Also, I have this sub-conscious “entitlement” that, because I have achieved a certain status in life, I “deserve” a certain caliber of woman in terms of looks, education, profession, and pedigree. And just like women who are comparable, there are as many women attracted to me, because of that drive, ambition, and standard, as there women who are turned off by that.

Why would women be turned off by an ambitious, independent black man? Well, it’s because, as much as we try to front like we are, men are not always good at multi-tasking when it comes to the balance of energy between career progression and building a relationship, especially when you get past a certain age. This becomes key when a black man meets a woman (regardless of race) that is used to and requires worship attention. I am one that refuses to subscribe to that because I honestly feel like I can have and pursue both at the same time; the key is to be in position with God’s plan to pursue both concurrently, which is what this journey is about for me. But I will say this much: just like there are parents telling their children to work hard, build your own, and find the one for you when it comes, I was told the same thing growing up as a young black man in LA. If you notice, most of the couples you see that are married before they are 25 (without a pappy in the background with a shotgun) are married because, chances are, the notion of finding someone you can build your empire with was implanted in them prior to them going to college, and as they journeyed out into the world, that was their focus; unfortunately, finding a wife was a distant second to establishing myself professionally.

Now, am I giving myself a self-prescribed way of dealing with my independence? Not at all. But the first thing you must do when you look to achieve a goal or look to improve in any way is to establish a baseline and know where you stand currently, which is what this entry is about. I know what my goals are, and the journey to the destination will be longer if you don’t understand what obstacles are in your way of getting there. This is my way of holding up the mirror and being 100 with myself, and understanding the nature of the beast that is ME.

DS 5.4 (User Account Management) – This control centers around how you give access and how you take it away.

DS 5.5 (Access Reverification) – This control checks the frequency in which you check (and either verify or invalidate) who has access, and what you do in the event someone has inappropriate access. This control is there in the event DS 5.4 is inadequate.

Best practices dictates that, depending on the level of risk, you should execute this control at least once a year, and the higher the access, the more often you should execute (for example, those with a LOT of access should be checked every 3 months, those with a little you can check once a year).

Ok Rich, where ya going with this????

Here’s the deal: most of us don’t really take the time to analyze who it is that we have in our lives (at all levels), and we wonder why so many people are up in our business, causing havoc, and not adding anything positive at ALL. Think of yourself as a system, and sometimes too many people have inappropriate access to your life. They don’t need to know what you plan to do on your birthday, or know that you’re going to Homecoming, or even know that you’re still alive (and vice versa). So, every once in a while, we all need to go through an Access Reverification to see who’s in our lives, what level of access they have to us, and see if they’re appropriate based on their position. Let me give you an IT-based translation of the levels of access you need to consider when doing this exercise:

No Access: This seems to be self-explanatory to an extent. These are folks that don’t need to have any access to you at all. You may or may not speak to them when you see them on the street, but other than Yardfest at Howard Homecoming or the Morehouse Homecoming Tailgate or the Taste of Chicago, they don’t need to speak to you or see you again. These are folks who have no purpose in your life at all; they don’t even need to connected to you on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, etc.

Read-Only Access: These folks can be connected to you on all of the sites I mentioned above, and might even leave a message or two every once in a while, but outside of them sending you a tweet or writing on their wall once every 6 months, these are folks you keep at arms length distance from you. They don’t need to see anything of you more than what you publish (just like some of the people who are reading this blog as this very moment).

Admin Access: These folks go beyond Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter. These are people that you share IM’s with, you’re always writing on each other’s walls, and you even chat it up with on the phone at least once a month (maybe even more), hell, you might even hang out on occasion.  These people might know how your day at work was, you might know what she plans to cook for her husband tonight, or what restaurant he’s taking his wife to for their anniversary dinner (before it actually happens). They don’t know everything that’s going on with you, but they know enough to say that they know you. But they don’t know you as well as your……..

Super Users: This group of people know your past, your present, and most likely are part of your future. They know your weaknesses, your hopes, your dreams, your plans in a manner that hardly anyone outside of God knows. These folks can reach you at least 90% of the time 24/7 (and vice versa). This usually consists of close friends and family; pretty much, the people you love (or that you are courting in some cases).

Now when you think of these categories, think of the people in your life, where they stand, what lane they should be in. Sometimes, within our busy lives, we neglect to do this inventory, and/or our DS 5.4 is not on point. We don’t do enough due diligence as to who we let into our lives,  or how adequate the exfoliation of folks from our lives is. There are folks who you might stay connected to on facebook and linkedin, and might hit them occasionally with an IM, but they don’t need to be in your iphone. Then there are folks who you might know, you might see them once a month, you went to undergrad with this person, they might be your frat bro or soror, but they don’t need to know anything other than what they see when they see you on the street.

With that being said, I challenge each of you to take inventory of the people in your lives and ensure their access to you is “appropriate”. You will realize that some folks have to go, and some folks need to have their access adjusted. It’s not going to be a quick and easy exercise, but it’s something that we deal with in Corporate America to protect the information and privacy of our customers and the reputation of our shareholder image. After all, the person with the wrong access can abuse that access and do something they’re not supposed to do. Why would you risk someone doing the same with you?

Over the last few years I have talked about black women who end up in unfulfilled relationships because they settle, men and women who use their “trump card” as an excuse to be lazy in their approach to dating and relationships, women who don’t know the Trinity, what most good men consider a beautiful woman, and have also spoken on how we let psychological factors block our blessing in finding the right person for us. But to take us into 2010, I want to upgrade my thoughts from 2005 and give my readers a new perspective that you must factor in. This is a 2-part blog that will talk about what we can do to improve black relationships in 2010.

In Part I, I talked about knowing what type of person you are and knowing who’s compatible with you and focusing your dating to that type of person, and not a person’s resume (per se).  With that being said, here’s Part II:

Last week, ABC Nightline featured a segment on the plight of Single Black Women and how there is a shortage of eligible black men (meaning they are educated, heterosexual, employed, and no criminal record) for them to be aligned to in holy matrimony, let alone fall in love with (which as my Phi Sig bro Doogie pointed out is missing in this equation, but that’s another story). The segment talked about four women who reside in Atlanta who range from their late 20’s to mid 30’s who all say they are running into the same issues in regards to finding good (enough) black men to date. All four of these women would be women that most men would date based on looks along (if we knew nothing else), but for some reason are still out there and open to being with the right man for them.

My Challenge to the Men:
As Steve Harvey alluded to in this same segment, the example of what a “good black man” should be is missing in the rearing of most black men in our society today. This has been a downtrend since the 60’s when more black men were taken out of the home and either put in jail or on drugs, which then provided the blueprint for the decline of black men in our society today. Without black men in the home to be that positive example for how men should treat women, and how women should expect to be treated, it has caused a disconnect in the way we interact today as black men and women. However, black men need to stop using this 50 year old excuse (and the slavery excuse) as to why we are the way that we are, because there is NO EXCUSE for how some of us treat black women, NONE. Granted, we need to be aware of how societal changes have blurred the line of gender roles, but there are certain things that we as men should still do as the head of household, as the MAN (and show those qualities when courting a woman): Know how to manage the household budget (regardless of who makes the most money), be a spiritual, mental, and emotional advisor for your wife and children, protect the family physically from any dangerous element (does not mean you have to be a MMA fighter or Dirty Harry, but have enough common sense to get your girl out the club if something’s about to pop off, for example), and protect your woman in other ways by doing right by her (for example, don’t be an infidel, and if you are going to mess up and step out, USE PROTECTION so that you don’t do what Magic Johnson almost did and bring home an STD to his wife). Granted, brothas, we are not always going to be perfect (and a good woman knows that), but what we must be at ALL times is accountable and responsible for who we are, and what we do to ourselves and to other people (we’re held to that standard at work, it’s not different behind closed doors). Our black women are demanding that more of us stand up and take back our place in our society. We can’t try to make it happen, you have to decide within yourself (if you haven’t already done so) to do you part in taking our place back, to STAND UP and be a man. In the words of Yoda “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Challenge to the Ladies:
In the same segment, there was talk about how the requirements of some women can be somewhat unrealistic and unfair. Steve Harvey brings up the point that there are some women who are very well off, yet require a man who has more than them. “If you make $150k, does that mean he has to make $150k or more?!” In the case of some women, they still hold to this standard and wonder why they run into nothing but Broke Black Men. Well, if making less than $100k is broke, then you are going to eliminate even more men that way than with any other metric you may have. In the mind of some women, that’s considered settling, especially if they are on the better side of the aesthetic or financial tree. Here’s the thing ladies: if you are successful and “got it going on”, dating a man who makes less money than you is not necessarily DATING DOWN, contrary to what momma taught you.
Now for those ladies who already got that memo, a man’s not going to get at you (and keep his attention only on you) just because you’re cute, got a degree , have a job, can cook, clean, and is unselfish in bed; it takes more than that. Hate to say it but, there are thousands of women just like you who live in your city that have that (and we won’t even talk about the skew of the numbers at HBCU’s), AND more. Any man who knows the ratio and understands his own self-worth is going to want to know what is it about you that makes you stand out; what is that WOW factor that will make you better than the next chick; your mere existence is NOT ENOUGH to stop you from getting rejected. Keep in mind that what might WOW me is not going to WOW my boy or my line brother or WOW Shaq or WOW Lebron. So think on what makes you STAND OUT and makes you a differentiator outside of your money, your assets, and your looks.

Challenge to Both:
This one is pretty simple; realize that NOBODY’s perfect. The one for you is not going to have everything you (feel you) need from your potential mate, but at the same time do not just settle with the aim of completing your life accomplishment checklist or meeting a deadline. Does it matter that he/she doesn’t come from the same pedigree as you? Does it matter that he/she has to love (only) hip-hop music and jazz lovers need not apply? Does it matter what org they pledged, or that he/she dated someone that you are loosely connected to within one of the orgs you’re apart of? Does it matter how many friends of the opposite sex he/she has? Does it matter that he/she has a 4 inch random hair that grows somewhere on his/her body that makes you go “arrrruuuuuuuu”? Does it matter that he/she is a Lakers or Celtics fan? Does his/her past matter as much to you as you want yours to matter to him/her?
We all have the tendency to be judgmental about the people we encounter for one reason or another, but think about how many blessings (personal and professional) that have been denied or deferred to you because you were not positioned to receive them or because we let “our peeps” put doubts in our head.

As I challenge myself in 2010 to do self-assessment on myself and what I need to go to accomplish my professional and personal goals, I challenge you all to do the same and to stop building bridges to nowhere and monuments of nothingness, because all that does is put you right back to square one every time. Realize that we are ALL a work in progress, and God’s not through with us yet until he calls us home. So everyday you wake up, think of a way of how you will improve yourself, how you will step into your calling as a man/woman, and how you will become the obvious choice. Life’s not a game people, and working your faith is mandatory.

Over the last few years I have talked about black women who end up in unfulfilled relationships because they settle, men and women who use their “trump card” as an excuse to be lazy in their approach to dating and relationships, women who don’t know the Trinity, what most good men consider a beautiful woman, and have also spoken on how we let psychological factors block our blessing in finding the right person for us. But to take us into 2010, I want to upgrade my thoughts from 2005 and give my readers a new perspective that you must factor in. This is a 2-part blog that will talk about what we can do to improve black relationships in 2010.

Here’s Part I:

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt over this holiday break about “what’s wrong with me”.  The conversation started based on a conversation I had a couple of weeks prior with a friend of mine about how “basic Betty Rubble” chicks always seem to be likely to get married, and why good men seem to flock to these women. My aunt mentioned that with men, she has learned that it’s not always about looks and it’s more about who fits their personality and their values. She broke it down for me about how there are 4 types of people: Needy, Caretaking, Independent Caretakers, and the Selfish Independent. Here’s a quick breakdown of each:

1. Needy: This person is someone who, although they may work and have an education, have a sense of dependence on another person in order for them to be complete and/or to survive. For example, there are some men who can’t cook or clean because mom always did it for them, and unless they know how to do it themselves, they need someone to do that for them (see Jody from “Baby Boy” and most of the pretty women you know as an example).

2. Caretaking: This person is someone who strives on being the provider (whether they provision is financial, domestic, physical, or all of the above). This is who we refer to as “Capt. Save ‘em” because they want to feel that their mate wouldn’t be complete without them; the void filler of sorts (“don’t worry baby, I can do this for you since you can’t do it for yourself”).

3. Independent Caretaker (or Interdependent): This person is someone who has no problem doing their own thing. They can provide for themselves in most ways that matter, but at the same time this person is looking for someone to grow with them and be their partner in the relationship. This person is someone with caretaking abilities, but will not take care of just anyone. Yes, they have no problem taking care of you, but they will require you to bring something to the table that shows you can do the same. (For those who know (or don’t know me), this is the category I fall in).

4. Selfish Independent: This is Mr/Ms. “I’ma do Me” to the fullest. They’re like the Addams Family (Hammer Version), where they do, say, live, play how they want to, and you can’t tell them otherwise. They don’t need anyone in their lives, and are so narcissistic about themselves and their goals and ambitions that no one else can fit in. These are likely your 40-year old bachelors who have never been married, don’t have any kids, who act like they are still 21, or a handful of career women who are looking to make their way to the top in their field and won’t stop til it happens.

Now that I have broken it down, depending on which person you think you fall into, here’s who you are most compatible with, depending on where they are in their life at the time.

Needy: You can only date a person who’s a caretaker who doesn’t require interdependence (hence why most pretty women are trained to go after a man with money and/or provides them the same benefits they were provided by their parental units).
Caretakers: Since you thrive on taking care of someone, your type is usually someone who is either a interdependent who will appreciate your services or a needy person. The key is that as a caretaker you must feel needed and/or wanted, and even if you don’t, you’re still going to be who you are.
Interdependent: As mentioned before, you have caretaking abilities, but will not show that side of yourself for anyone who you feel cannot bring a comparable package to the table, so your type is either another interdependent who you can partner with or a caretaker who will hold you down when you go through a turn in life. Needy people need not apply because sometimes they have issue with reciprocity and gratitude, so this will drive you crazy and most likely will force you to kick them to the curb if they don’t have any “act right”.
Selfish: Which do you prefer: manual or alkaline? (Forrest Gump voice) That’s all I have to say about that.

At one point or another, we have all fallen in and out of each of these categories, then we also have a category that we are normalized to be in for the most part. The reason why I brought this to light is because sometimes both men and women have the tendency to fall into a trap of dating the same type of person who falls into certain surface prerequisites (per se) and wondering why it doesn’t work out. It’s key that you identify these type of people (without prejudging them) to better focus your pool of potentials to save you less time (and money in some cases).

Let me know your thoughts on this. If you have none, go on to Part 2.

In this bad economy, and unemployment still at a high level (and being reported inaccurately, but that’s another topic for another day), one thing that those in the job market have gotten used to are those thin letters from those many companies you dropped resumes with on Monster.com that say something to this effect:

“Thank you for expressing your interest in a position with (blank) Inc. and taking the time to interview with us. Although we enjoyed speaking with you and found your credentials impressive, we can no longer pursue your candidacy at this time and have decided to pursue candidates whose qualifications are more aligned to our needs. We will keep your resume on file for 6 (or 12) months in the event that a position more aligned with your skills comes along. Please keep in mind that its our company policy to not share feedback with candidates. We wish you the best of luck in your future career endeavors.”

I’m sure for those of you who are in graduate/professional school and/or have been in the job market in the last several years has received at least one letter comparable to this via snail mail or email. And after a while you become immune to getting them from a variety of companies. Some hit you more than others because you really wanted that job or wanted to work in that city or in the same building as that fine ass specimen you saw when you rolled to corporate headquarters to interview. As someone who spent up to a year out of work post-undergrad, I know the feeling all too well when a company rejects you, and you have to sit there and figure out why. But the why is not what this blog is about.

Now……….. just imagine for a moment………… think about your love/dating life……….. what if you adopted this method for getting rid of that dude/chick that you weren’t interested in? Now, most of us rely on the consulting firm method, which consists of ignoring phone calls, and just never calling the other person back, and hope they get the memo and move on (comparable to what Deloitte or Booz and Company will do).  Now I understand how this is the safe method and allows you to not be the bad guy and make ourselves feel better about the situation. But………… I wonder if someone would have the nerve to hit someone with a letter like this:

“Thank you expressing your interest in me romantically and taking the time to hang out with me. The talks were cool as hell. Even though you’re a cool and nice person, I’m just not that into you and decided to start talking to people that are more my type. I’ll keep your number in my phone in the event that you become my type 5 years from now or I get bored and either need a free meal or need to get some, but by all means feel free to lose mine. I’m not going to get into why I don’t like you, because it won’t help at this point. But I hope you find what you’re looking for, just know it won’t be me.

PS I’m serious……….lose my number.”

Now, your best bet if you ever want to try this method is to go green and send it via an email and them immediately put rules up on the inbox to delete any incoming mail from the other person’s email address (like you can do on gmail, for example).

I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking that this is a cold method of telling someone you’re done with them and are not interested. But in the game of love, rejection comes with the territory. The presence of imperfection leads to the risk of rejection, and whether it’s in our professional or personal lives, we have to deal. But with rejection, honesty is always the best policy and lowers your risk of being stalked. LOL

Anyone bold enough to try this out-the-box method to dump those bug-a-boo’s? Let me know your thoughts.

Prior to my injury, I attended a wedding in DC where two friends of mine from undergrad finally got married. It was a beautiful out-of-the-box-of-western-tradition wedding where I learned as much (or more) than I actually observed. One of the great things about the wedding was that it served as a mini-homecoming of sorts for me, since I opted to attend the wedding in lieu of homecoming this year.

Of course, with any school reunion, comes those who you are glad to see and thankful that are prosperous and doing well, and then………. there are them other folks who you could live the rest of your life without seeing again and it would affect you in one bit. At this wedding, unfortunately, a couple of those folks were in attendance. One of them in particular is someone who I have not literally said a word to in over 4 years.

“Damn Rich, you’re one of the nicest guys I know. What did this person do to you that you haven’t spoken to them since you last had hair?”

Well…….. what said person did is irrelevant to the topic. What IS relevant is that, despite my love for Christ and my want to be better and grow in every aspect of my life, one of the things that I (and alot of people I know) struggle with forgiveness. A lot of it is based on the reasons mentioned in my blog about lasting perceptions. A friend of mine mentioned to me that, in most cases, it’s not about the deed per se that someone did, it’s more about how the person who committed the deed made you feel as a result, and that feeling is what lasts in a person’s mind. In my personal case, although my overall feeling about it was “why me? what did I ever do (or not do) to you?”, the deed itself was of higher ramifications than how I felt about it. For me, that’s where my struggle lies.

Now, I know that I will get the requisite responses to this, saying that I’m not a true Christian and that I need to ask God for X, Y, and Z. But sometimes, God places things on your heart so that you are now positioned to go to the next level in your walk, and to me, forgiving someone gives them (in certain aspects) access back into your life. In most cases, the people in your life are there (or not there) because of where God has you placed, and forcing the issue to placate image or ego isn’t always the best thing to do.

Now there are a few examples of people who have not done right by me (in a small or large way) that I have found it in my heart to forgive them (one of them I spoke to for the first time in years last night actually), but with others it’s a struggle due to mainly my ego (I’m just being honest).

But, as Christian as some of us like to be, most of us (although it’s not right) do have a threshold on forgiveness. There’s just that certain level of hurt, deceit, or “lack of act right” that makes us sound the “awwwwwwww helllll naw” alarm in our minds and hearts and we just shut the door to that person (or group of people) and say to ourselves “I doubt if I would ever forgive him/her/them for what has been done to me.”

How many of you who grew up in a single parent household have forgiven your mother/father for not being there when it was their choice?
How many ladies could forgive a man if he sexually assaulted you?
How many brothas out there could forgive their wives if she cheated on you with your best friend or your brother (or sister)?
What about forgiving someone who killed your mom or dad?
You think the Brown family will ever forgive OJ?
You think Cubs fans will ever forgive Bartman?
You think Shaq will truly forgive Kobe for ratting him out in Colorado?

For you, what is that threshold that you struggle with? Do you struggle more with the deed or with the person? Where do you draw the line? I’m definitely curious to hear your thoughts on this and what you do to address it.

Anyway…….. as I approach 30 next year, I know that I have lived a decent life and have seen and experienced my share of things for someone that’s not as social as most people in my network. I’ve met a variety of people in my journey where impressions have been shared and internalized. I am one of the first to accept accountability for how I treat and have treated people over my lifetime. I also own when my impressions weren’t exactly impressive to some people: the days when I was corny, the days when I was a jerk, the moments when I was awkward, and the times when I was offensive.
I bring all of that up because it’s funny how hypocritical we can be when it comes to looking at the positive change in others that we neglect to acknowledge, yet expect for others to see how far we have come. Maybe it’s selfishness, maybe it’s mental and emotional apathy, but either way it’s something that all of us have been guilty of more than once (some more than others).The child you were at 11 is not the young adult you were at 19 nor the adult you are at 30.

I brought this up as a question on my FB page weeks ago asking, between men and women, who has the biggest issue with this. The overwhelming consensus was this: women are less likely to forget how they felt when they met you and when they were around you (especially if it was negative or unfavorable to them). So regardless of what happens from that point on, most women will hold on to that perception of you damn near forever UNLESS something happens in your life that changes their mind about you to their short or long term benefit (i.e. you get some money or fame). If you were the introverted geek at 14, or the obnoxious jerk at 23, or the religious zealot at 26, sorry homie, but that’s who will always be, even if you become the renaissance man at 33. So fellas, if you have thought about dating ladies in your past, I challenge you to think about how you treated them then, because chances are, the effects are irreversible. Just like women fail at changing how a man rolls, we fail just as much at changing a woman’s initial perception of you. (Sidebar: Fellas, your best bet is to date a woman in your past that doesn’t know enough about you from back then to project an outdated perception onto you.)

“Come on Rich, have more faith in us ladies. We’re not all like that. And some men are like that too.”
You’re right, but most women are and it’s more common among women. Given that women are more emotional by nature, that makes it a more likely scenario. Plus, I know one man that most sistas despise, even though he has changed over the years, and sistas still hold him to the perception they had of him from years ago: Kobe Bryant. MESSAGE!!!

Now I’m not saying guys are not like this either, because in some cases we are, but most of our perceptions start in our pants, given that we’re visual creatures. Men are more likely to forgive the first impression he gets from a woman, ESPECIALLY if she is FINE. How many times have you heard this conversation:

1:(Homie/dawg/frat) I don’t know about her. She mad stuck up, she ain’t got no sense.
Dude 2: Yeah, she went to (school) with us and all, but ain’t doing nothing with herself.
Dude 1: Right, and she did a lot of our boys dirty on the low low.
(silence)
Dude 1: BUT would you still hit that though if she came at you?
Dude 2: Hell yeah (homie), she’s fine as hell.

Steve Harvey brought up on his morning show about the things that some men will tolerate to be with the “baddest chick”. I’m sure most of you who are reading this know a dude who’s in a jacked up relationship with some woman who is no good for him, but he will not leave because of his ego in the sense of “I may NEVER get a woman this fine ever again.” Do I think that’s stupid? Yep. Have I done this before myself? I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Most men don’t let go of Shallow Hal until they grow up and realize what truly makes them happy (and also that the women who are “pretty, smart, and nice at the same time” that we slept on back in the day because they didn’t have enough “style” are usually married by 25).

Like myself, we are all a work in progress and our goal should be to improve and self-upgrade whenever possible. We all have misjudged people based on where they were at the time, and where we were at the time. Remember folks, this is 2009, not 1989, 1996, or 2007. By nature, we all evolve and (for the most part) grow and continue to learn more about ourselves and about others. Everyone wants to feel prideful about who they are, what they are about, what they have overcome, and where they are going. Think about where your Creator has brought you from, what you have been brought through, the trials and tribulations of your life, and that feeling of pride and confidence you have as a result. Now imagine if those in the ballpark of your circle only see you as that nappy headed nerd who didn’t wear deodorant in middle school, or the campus player that tried to sleep with every cheerleader during senior year in high school, or the unapologetic DrewRat from freshman year at Howard, or the overnight celebrity that pledged a frat. Is that you now? Of course not. Why do you bitch and complain when people lock you in to 1999 when you do the same.

Personally, if I did that, I wouldn’t have some of the blessings and support I have now. For example, the same woman who cussed me out 5 years ago over email is the same woman who prayed for my recovery from my recent surgery. Granted, I didn’t forget that vicious email, but at the same time I have also acknowledged the God in her that she showed to me through her thoughts and words. There comes a time when we have to update our perceptions of ourselves and of other people, otherwise our personal growth is stunted. Think about that the next time you roll to that next class reunion or homecoming.

As I was thinking on this, Traci Townsend, a low-budget “black love” movie, came on TVOne. It’s a story about a black woman who is successful, independent, and fine as hell, yet can’t seem to find a man that will marry her, and an investigation into past relationships reveals to her what her true flaws were. In the middle of that, she was at the nail shop with her girls. While there, she got schooled by the asian nail technician who had been married for 22 years because she was able to maintain peace of mind and mental stimulation in her husband.

Ironically, a couple of hours later, a friend of mine, CocoaDiva, posted a blog on her site that spoke to the way to a man’s heart. In there, she spoke to the same mantra of capturing a man’s mind in order to get his heart, and that anything else is secondary (but still essential).

Sometimes me and CD don’t always see eye to eye, but this time around we’re on the same page. However, I do need to supplement her assessment and bring a few things into perspective:
1. The ability to capture a man’s mind – to stimulate a man’s mind and bring peace of it – is THE most important and longest lasting dynamic that a woman MUST possess. PERIOD!!!! Although men have different levels of mental and intellectual capacity and aptitude, you have to find a way to strike that chord in an authentic way.
2. You must capture a man’s eye. A man must be attracted to you physically as men are visual creatures by nature. When a man thinks of your face in his mind, it should not be a haze to him where he feels he has to reach to smile at the thought of you. And that goes for in the light AND in the dark. That desire must be there 24/7, even if he’s mad at you and vice versa.
3. A good man has a relationship with God (whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc), and if a man can see the God in you in how you live your life (and not just adhering to religious protocol), and it syncs up with the God in him, then you can capture a man’s spirit.
* Honorable mention: A woman that can cook and knows to keep a house clean is added bonus (to me at least). Granted, there are some triflin’ women out there who couldn’t buy their way out of a dirty house or who fail to cook water properly, and some men will ride with that. Just not me. LOL *

A caveat to remember, ladies, is that everything I mentioned above is subjective as each man is individual in what he wants, needs, and desires. Me and my boys can have a conversation about this same thing, and the discernment of mental stimulation, attractiveness, and spirituality will vary across us all if we decide to speak on a granular level.

If you’re the right woman for a man, unlocking the trinity to a man’s heart won’t be a problem for you. If he doesn’t give you his heart, and begins to pursue you with the intention to court you and marry you, without hesitation and negotiation, then you are NOT THE ONE for him (maybe not yet or not ever). If you are in that stage of romance, and any of those corners of the trinity get lost, you WILL lose your man in one way or another.

I admitted that very well could be the case, and that sometimes I believe that a lot of women more caught up in a man who satisfies the courtship checklist versus the right man for them. Given that I personally know a couple of women who came to that epiphany several weeks before they were to walk down the aisle, it’s a valid assumption (maybe more exceptional and a pattern, but still valid). Then my homegirl said ,”well maybe because they may not be the best dressed, the most charming, the best looking, the most in shape, have the best career, etc., but they did what they had to do to get her, and maybe you didn’t”. I held my grit in that I didn’t want to react, but she elaborated further:
I have found that men and women who are attractive and/or well off tend to be lazier in the dating game because they feel they don’t need to work as hard, don’t have to do as much. They figure that, because of who they are and/or what they have, that they will always have options. It’s usually the ones with the least amount of options that more likely to land someone and get married.
With all of the experiences in my life, I have definitely seen this as a pattern. Women complain about “successful” brothas who conduct themselves in such a fashion and don’t feel they need to work to get a chick, and brothas complain about that stuck up, model looking chick with the fat ass who requires high-level caking to keep her attention but don’t do a damn thing for him. And what’s the reward? The privilege of being with that person?! Ummmmm……….. yeah. And of course you’re thinking, “Why should I bust my ass to satisfy their lazy ass?”

Ok, the LA Brotha in me struggles with this often somewhat, and so does the “successful” brotha in me. As my female best friend said to me, it’s not about arrogance or being bourgeois, it’s about staying in your lane, and if your lane has a certain speed limit, then why slow down. But……….. at the same time, having that mentality in every aspect of your life will not get you anywhere, and will not always get you what you want. Regardless of how good you think you look, how stacked your bank account is, how many degrees you have, or how deep your roster is, it takes work to obtain and more work to maintain. Nothing in life worth obtaining is going to be just given to you. In your personal AND professional life, you have to know what it is that you want and position yourself to obtain it. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you deserve it or are entitled to it.

In the working world, and in dating, aesthetics are definitely important, but it’s only part of the whole package. After while, looks fade, and competency takes total precedence over how it is you look. So ladies, if you got that (job/man) because of your looks, make sure your competency and performance are parallel. Brothas, don’t deal with any woman who wouldn’t date you if you didn’t work on Wall Street, or were a junior partner at that downtown law firm. Don’t let your looks (ladies) or your paper (brothas) dictate how you treat other people. It’s not a good look.

I know I probably rambled a bit, but I’m curious to hear what the readers think on this subject.
Do you run into this often? Let me know.