When you get older, certain recollections begin to slowly fade away, and as I try today to reflect on where I was (physically and mentally) 20 years ago, it will be bittersweet to go back into the mental rolodex to share with my few readers on this time as a young black man growing up in Los Angeles.

A lot of folks associate the LA Riots that started 20 years ago today on April 29th, 1992 as an event that was solely triggered by the Rodney King verdict, in which 4 LAPD officers (3 white, 1 latino) were caught on camera making beating the crap out of Rodney King, and a year later were summarily acquitted by an all-white jury jury of their “peers” after the trial was relocated to Simi Valley, CA, a location where the jury pool was more “advantageous” to the defense. However, the relationship between authorities and the black community were already on thin ice before the verdict was even a thought in the minds of most folks in LA, let alone the rest of the country.

One incident in particular that was in proximity to the Rodney King incident was the Latasha Harlins incident that also happened in 1991, the same year the Rodney King beating took place. Latasha was a 15 year old young black woman in Los Angeles who walked into a asian-owned convenience store as a regular patron and the cashier accused Latasha of stealing. As you see in the link above, they got into a heated argument, and as Latasha tried to leave the store, the cashier shot Latasha in the head (sounds familiar to Trayvon Martin doesn’t it?). The case went to trial, where the cashier was ONLY convicted of voluntary manslaughter, and sentenced to 5 years probation. At this point in my life was when I got the talk from my mom and stepdad about making sure you look as transparent as possible when walking through a convenience store.

Sidebar: The lesson above was one I learned first hand when on my way to middle school one day. I was stopping through to the AM/PM mini market on Motor and Palms one morning to hang with one of my boys as he got something to eat (I had an early breakfast at a restaurant so I wasn’t hungry). When you grow up in LA, 55 degrees is cold to you, so in my Cali-chill I kept my hands in my pockets the entire time in the store. As I was walking out, the manager of the store all but jumped over the counter and proceeded to question me and my friend and asked us to empty our pockets. All I could ask was “Why? What did I do?” and all he could respond with was “You won’t steal from me again, not today my friend”. Of course he felt like BooBoo the fool when all I had in my pocket was a stick of gum, my wallet, ChapStick, and my house keys. But it was a lesson that stuck hard with me as a young kid in LA.

SO when you add up the incident above, add in a mix of racist policies coming out of Parker Center (for LA outsiders, that’s the main hub of LAPD, named after an enemy of the black and brown communities in LA, former police chief William H. Parker, and was ran at the time by an apprentice of his, Daryl Gates) and have been coming out of Parker Center since the 60′s, the black community had already had it up to HERE (whatever HERE means to you). So that brings me to April 29th, 1992………

DAY 1:

At the time, I was attending a predominantly Caucasian gifted magnet elementary school in the Hollywood hills where I had to get bused in to make it to class everyday versus some of my classmates who got dropped off by their parents in a Benz. At 11 years old, even though I knew of the racial differences between me and my classmates (you could count the black folks on one hand in my class), I felt like I was one of them, despite the constant reminders from home that I really wasn’t and how I had to be better. Coming home on the bus after a typical day of going back and forth in dozens with the cutest sista in my class (hi Cycette), it was a normal day for me as I made my 3 block walk from Saturn elementary back to the crib, I turn on the TV expecting to see my typical set of weekday afternoon shows (when I should have finished up my homework so I wouldn’t get the infamous Wonderland Ave. “homework notice”, UGH). Instead of that, I see every channel is broadcasting the Rodney King verdicts live in Simi Valley. The verdicts were read as I was on the bus back home, but Fox, NBC, CBS, ABC, KTLA, KCOP, all of them kept looping the same phrase spoke by the jury’s foreman:

“NOT GUILTY”
“NOT GUILTY”
“NOT GUILTY”
“NOT GUILTY”

At 11 years old, none of that made sense to me. Here I am, knowing the high level facts of the case, knowing that the basis of this trial was video tape proof that these officers beat the crap out of this dude beyond what was needed to subdue him (including using a taser gun on top of that), yet y’all let these dudes walk? I sat there watching the coverage going on pretty much numb as to how this could happen and how (although I didn’t have much of it then) common sense isn’t common. An hour and change passes by, then the coverage splits into 3 areas of LA: Florence and Normandie, where two wrongs didn’t make it right,  to the aforementioned Parker Center, where folks were acting a donkey, and to FAME (First African Methodist Episcopal Church), where the majority of LA’s prominent black preachers decided to convene and gather the community in an effort to have a peaceful protest to what was going on. In a weird way, my spirit was in tune with what was happening at FAME, but my heart threw that brick in Denny’s face. I could understand where our people were coming from at Florence and Normandie (a reaction that would have probably been lightly endorsed by the early 60′s version of the Community Resistance in Progress, or as commonly known around the country, CRIPS). But at the same time, knowing my black history, my frat brother would have been at FAME, figuring out a way to talk out our anger, then come up with a more peaceful alternative. As you can see on the Denny link, the LAPD got out of there to “ensure the safety of their force”. What the news didn’t tell us then was that most of those retracted officers were sent “north” to ensure that those communities would be safer. In other words, LAPD was sent to Mid-Wilshire, Beverly Hills, Culver City (west of Balogna Creek), Brentwood, Westwood, Hollywood (see where I’m going) and make sure that those communities are locked down while the black and brown communities destroy their own. At about 7:30, my parents couldn’t stop watching the coverage. It was even more real to my mom, who grew up under William Parker’s treatment of the black community and how that affected the family. She remembers growing up off of West Adams and going to Dorsey High School where this was everyday reality to her, and how she used that to make sure (to the best of her ability and reach) that I didn’t go through that as well. However, at 7:30, I needed a break from the coverage because there was something else on my mind at that time (what can I say, I’m a fan from the womb to the tomb *kanyeshrug*). After a compromise was reached, and that concluded, it was back to the live coverage. You could see more and more foolishness breaking out all over the city as more and more fires kept popping up over the city. I remember staying up with my parents until at least 1am watching what was going on. But I could only hang so long because I had to be rested for school.

DAY 2:

Waking up that morning, the last thing on my mind was what I saw on TV last night (outside the fact the Lakers won the game). My mind was on the International Food project we had in English class, which took place every Thursday for several weeks throughout the spring semester (my group went 2 weeks prior when our assigned theme was Dutch, and we got an A- so we could now relax). I had this day especially marked because today was ITALIAN day. Despite my (not knowing at the time) gluten allergy, I was all juiced up to have some pasta, pizza, and whatever else they were going to throw my way (insert Lil Jon shouting “YEAH”). So I was happily frolicking (yeah I said it, shut up) to my bus stop that day, and just waited there…………. and waited………………and waited……………….. then it was 8am, and I’m STILL waiting. Then it dawned on me……………..a handful of the bus stops on the route I was on were in the no public transportation zone , so as a result my bus route was not allowed to even go out that day, and I wasn’t going to make it to school that day. DAMNIT TO HELL!!!! I walked back to my house with tears in my eyes because these IGN’ANT REGGINS IN SOUTH CENTRAL COST ME MY ITALIAN FOOD DAY!!!!!

So, since I was stuck at home with nothing to do, I turned the TV back on and (in between Nintendo games) I was watching more and more of what was going on. The coverage that stuck out to me that day was in the morning when a huge conglomerate of latinos decided to loot some of the stores off Western and Adams (I remember that corner because at the time, the only Wendy’s damn near in LA was on that corner), and you could see them just taking stuff without abashment. But what had my jaw on the floor was when you saw a Ryder truck back up to one of the stores, and out the back comes about 6 mexicans who start an assembly line within seconds, and start loading stuff up to the truck. To say I couldn’t believe it was an understatement (and I’m sure if you’re reading this and have the image in your head of what it looked like, trust me it was worse than you’re thinking, LOL).

The same pattern of stuff continues throughout the day, and what was sad was that by this point, a lot of those folks who were looting (especially in the brown community) had NO DAMN IDEA what caused all of this, yet took advantage of the opportunity, As Martin and Carlos can attest to (LOL). For me, at that point, since I wasn’t going to school the next day anyway, Day 2 faded into……………..

DAY 3:

……………. The same thing kept happening all across the city. The only time the news faded away from this coverage was to show some coverage in Atlanta of local residents protesting outside of CNN headquarters of the “slanted” coverage that they were giving against black and latino residents of LA. But for me, three major things stuck out to me that day.

1. A member of our church, Ben Mayo (may God rest his soul) lost his printing business over in Leimert Park when some idiot thought the business wasn’t black owned and decided to blow up the place. This was personal because Ben was a father figure to me at Brookins AME growing up, along with his wife Arlene and daughter Staci who definitely looked out for me when I couldn’t look out for myself. Also, he was one of many in our church who had his own business and took every opportunity possible to give back to the community through that business (even giving some folks in church jobs at the time when the economy was acting up just so they could have something in their pocket to take home to their own families).

2. Of course, there was this moment as well………………. roll the clip.

3. The very tardy appearance of the Army National Guard getting into LA to do the job that LAPD refused to do. The only piss poor performance in my lifetime that was worse than this was during Hurrican Katrina in ’05. By this point, too much damage had been done to the black and latino communities of LA for the National Guard to make any real difference. In other words, half of the hood was burnt up.

SKIP to DAY 5:

The afternoon before, my mom got a call from one of her fellow Welcome Club members and gave her a heads up that Rev. Jesse Jackson was going to preach at 8am service, so make sure we’re there. (Sidebar: ladies, if you are beautiful and single, one of the quickest ways to find a man at a church is join the Welcome Club, because you’re the first face everyone sees when they walk into the house of the Lord. Just something to think about.) My dad, as a member of Male Chorus, knew to be there regardless because it was First Sunday and the Mass Choir always sings on First Sunday, but DEFINITELY make sure he’s there this time.

So we get to church around 7:30am, if memory serves, and it is already PACKED. Part of that was that the portion of the church that was next to the sound board turned into a mini-news center with every news outlet there to cover what Jesse Jackson had to say. When a famous person in the black community shows up to Brookins, we knew how to SHOW UP AND SHOW OUT. Everyone’s attire was Sunday Best, Pastor Kirkland was in the pulpit ON TIME today, and of course the incomparable Anna Moore shut the place down singing the church favorite “He’s Coming Back”. After all of that, Jesse came in, built the place up, and shut it back down again. When you left Brookins that day, most of us left with a renewed sense of energy, and more focus on staying with the fight and not letting this get us down, understanding that, when you look back on the struggles of the Negro in the “land of the free”, we’ve been through much worse. Yet, despite the progress, we still had a long ways to go.

AFTERMATH:

In the end, hundreds of businesses lost, $1 billion in damages, and dozens of lives lost, and what was worse was that we did it to ourselves. One positive thing that came out of it was the short lived “Truce in Nine Deuce”, initiated by NFL Hall of Famer Jim Brown in which rival gangs decided to put things aside and temporarily squash any beef that occurred up to that time. Although that truce is no longer in effect, the gang wars are nowhere near the level they were in the 80′s.

A year after the riots, the 4 police officers were brought to trial again in federal for civil rights violations. Although they were not convicted on every charge brought against them, there was some justice served in the process, although all 4 of them walk as free men as we speak today.

SO………

When looking back on this 20 years ago, and to see the similarities in times (to an extent), it concerns me how, in a time where this country just elected its first black POTUS, that the value of a black person’s life is still less than any other. How is it that you can have a Trayvon Martin, Prince Jones, Amadou Diallo, and countless others who have been killed in cold blood without consequence to the perpetrator, yet Michael Vick was in jail for 2 years for killing a dog? It speaks to an imbalance here that some folks are not willing to admit exists anymore. Although it took a few years for me to get the memo as a young man, knowing this reality back then, and understanding that as long as I can tan without turning red that I was never going to be immune to racism and oppression in this country, I knew that I had to make a way for myself to be successful and get there (more or less) on my own, and even when I do get there, it won’t ever stop. No amount of money or power can shield you from racism, prejudice, and mistreatment in this country, ask our President. But I digress…………….

All in all, the LA Riots of ’92 was definitely a “Where were you?” moment in American history, and having all but been right in the middle of it makes the reflection on it 20 years later that much more real. Fortunately for this country, this event, along with this one here contributed to 8 years of sanity in the White House (of course after that………….anyway).

If you remember where you were, how you felt, what you were going through at the time, definitely feel free to share below. 

Let me give you a professional example that I dealt with sometime back: There was this consulting company that I wanted to work for since I was in business school. As many times as I applied for the firm, I could never get an interview. So a few years later, I happened to run into the diversity recruiter for that firm, and she took my resume and sent it out to various recruiters in the US for that firm after we discussed what my long term career goals are. Unfortunately, the only callbacks I got from that firm were from areas within that were not aligned with my career goals, including some that would have set me back even more from obtaining my goal. Instead of pursuing those opportunities just to “get in the door” and being able to brag that I work for that firm, I respectfully declined going any further with the recruiters that contacted me. Although they perceived me to be not good enough for that specific practice within the firm due to my lack of direct work experience or lack of Top 10 MBA, I was not going to settle for just getting in the door at this point in my career. It would have been a waste of time for me and a waste of money for them. Maybe in a few years, the conversation could be revisited, but for right now it wasn’t going to happen.

From a romantic perspective, for those of us that are single, things like this happen to us in our dating lives pretty often. How often do you meet someone, they appear to embody everything you want in someone you date or court, then they come back and tell you (through word or deed) that they’re just not that into you, then they hit you with “but we can be friends”? If you’re reading this, you can probably think of several times this has happened to you. And I bet you most times you’re ok, all while concurrently hoping in the back of your subconscious that you can Urkel them. But in some cases, your failed pursuit ends up going on to date someone else, and if you haven’t reconciled yourself to having a legitimate friendship with that person absent of romantic feelings (and the friendship is solid), you have to sit there and watch someone else take what you feel (somewhere in your mind) should have been rightfully yours. And sometimes for us, we ignore this in ourselves, given that we have accepted our sentence in that person’s life to platonic prison without the possibility of parole.

One thing I know about American sports is that there is only one winner, and everyone else loses. In the words of Kobe Bryant, “2nd place just means you’re the first loser“. Only in competitions outside of the US (i.e. FIBA, FIFA, Olympics) do you see it where 2nd and 3rd place get a certain level of shine. Nope, not in America. If you lose, you give your nod, shake hands, pull up your skirt, and walk off the court or field while your opponent basks in the glory of winning the game. If the losing team stuck around to watch the other team celebrate (oops, I mean the OTHER TEAM CELEBRATE, that’s a little better), you as a fan of American sports would question their heart and their competitive spirit, right?

With those pictures in your mind now, here’s a scenario if you’re (legitimately) single: Think about the opposite sex friends that you have in your life that are also single, you are at least physically attracted to, that you consistently communicate with, and that you would date, all things equal (basically someone you have or could rekindle feelings for). If you found out right now at this very moment (regardless of how) that they were now in a committed relationship, would your first initial reaction be “Good stuff, I’m really happy for them, and I really hope that things work out” or “Awwwww HELL NAW” followed by a few expletives and that unspoken feeling you have in your mind comparable to this?

To conclude this, if you want to be someone’s boo or potential spouse, and you know you honestly can’t settle for the consolation prize of  being their friend, then don’t, especially if there are still feelings there and the other party knows that as well. Don’t be afraid to walk away when you don’t get what you desire out of the situation. And if you read that last paragraph and you fell into that latter category, this same advice applies to you as well. Believe me when I tell you that ALL of us will be on both sides of this equation. You will either be the one that fails at the pursuit (or enticement in the case of good women out there), or someone will be feeling you and the light won’t go off in your head to accept their advances. It’s an awkward place to be in, but it comes with the territory of living life.

Ultimately, you have to be real with yourself, know your true worth, and not be afraid or abashed about what it is that you desire. Don’t be afraid to reduce that sexy former classmate of yours to just a LinkedIn contact and delete their Twitter/Facebook/BBM/iChat/gchat/zchat/Cell. Said person could get upset and wonder why you don’t call them anymore, why you don’t follow them on twitter, or deleted them off facebook. But if that person respects your feelings and/or truly respects their relationship, then their ego should be good with it. If not, then you will get insight into that person’s character and values.

For those reading, how often have you been in this situation, regardless of what side of the fence you sat on? Have you found yourself settling for a friendship when you wanted a courtship (or just wanted some, LOL)? Let me know your thoughts.

For those who frequent the page, you would notice that there would be songs of mine that were available for listening. After listening to them for a year, I realized that I was not satisfied with the quality of the songs being produced (in other words, they were very AM quality).

I took time to make some changes in my technology to better enhance the sound, and as a result I am more comfortable now with actually making a few of the songs available for sale.

With that being said, the EP “UnMastered Collection Vol. I” is now on sale on my page. You can buy the entire EP for $4.99, or you have the option to buy individual songs for 99 cents apiece.

Your support with this passionate hobby of mine would be greatly appreciated. And best believe there’s more to come in the future.

A couple of weeks ago, a good brother from Morehouse started a facebook group/page with the intention of letting students and alumni from Howard and Morehouse talk a little trash prior to the Capitol Classic at RFK in DC next month. As a two-time HBCU graduate, I have met my share of fellow HBCU alumni (from childhood to adulthood), so I saw it as a good way to talk smack with some of my boys.

Just some quick history for my non-HBCU readers who may not know any better: Howard University and Morehouse College (both founded in 1867) on an annual basis, since I was a kid, swap between #2 and #3 for best HBCU, with Morehouse’s fellow AUC  tenant, Spelman, ranking #1. So, to say the least, there is a LOT of pride between these schools.

Talk went from a variety of sports related topics (from Howard’s piss poor record in 2010 to how Morehouse got shut out the last time the two schools faced each other). Of course it evolved into a history lesson from both sides (such as how two of HU’s presidents were Morehouse grads and how some of Atlanta’s recent mayors were HU grads). The problem came in when, as more folks began to join the page, including alumni from Spelman and other out-of-scope institutions of higher learning, the page began to lose focus and folks began to take the page a tad bit too personally. I won’t go into specific examples, but suffice it to say, it got ign’ant in there.

Now, me, I didn’t worry about having to take anything personally (given that I didn’t throw anything out there personally), but some folks on both sides got went IN to the point where there was an authentic sense of anger, arrogance, hatred, and offline hollering superiority that began to imbrue the page to the point where me and some of my boys who were initially part of the group either left the group altogether or just fell back and stopped contributing.

As I observed some of this, I began to think about my interactions with the variety of black folks over my life, I began to recall how the collective WE have looked for opportunities to self-uplift at the expense of leaving each other by the side of the road. I think back to Spring ’98 when I had my choice of Howard, Morehouse, and Hampton as the schools I would attend outside of Cali. I had my reasons for choosing Howard over the other 2 aforementioned institutions, and to this day I would take nothing for my choice and for my journey, but my choice was never about one school being superior. Given that I was a first generation college graduate, a “legacy” or “pedigree” wasn’t there for me to default to (in regards to school or the organization I pledged).

For my HBCU alum who are reading this, please keep this in mind: for as much as we subtly put each other down, there are some of US within the African Diaspora who went to PWI’s that have similar conversations about how inferior Howard, Morehouse, Spelman, FAMU, and Hampton graduates are to Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Northwestern black graduates. Case in point, a friend of mine from high school got a full ride to Spelman and she had to choose between that and paying to go to an Ivy League school. For some reason, she chose the Ivy League school because she, in her words “did not want to become a pretentious bitch with a sub-par degree.” Yeah, WOW, but that was her way of thinking based on, at the time, what she was taught and who she interacted with (FYI she has since retracted that statement, LOL).

Here’s the bottom line: As I have grown and matured in this short life of mine, I have come to realize two things.

-          God’s Will has placed me in this lane of life for a reason, and I do not look down on anyone who is, by American’s societal standards, worse than me, nor do I hold my head down around those who are allegedly better than me.

-          No matter what you do, what you accomplish, whether you get it the right way or not, there’s always going to be one person, or a legion of folks, that will NEVER grant you immunity or safety to live your life in peace nor accept you for who you are (just ask the current President of the United States).

With that in mind, despite where you have been, where you are going (or think you’re going), do your best to build up those around you, because you never know where your blessing is coming from. You could be a Howard graduate and your spouse went to Cheyney, or you could be an umemployed Morehouse Kappa who reaches out to a North Carolina A&T Que and he gets you not only back working again, but in the job that takes your career to the next level. YOU NEVER KNOW!! The man who was a big influence on my musical gift was himself a graduate of Morehouse. In fact, he was my youth choir director back in the day (God rest his soul), but most of you would know him from doing the solo to start this movie.

Life is too short to be on that bull, so do right by your blessings and your network.

NBC showed that since Obama took office, the unemployment rate has risen from 7.3% to 9.1%. I will admit that those numbers are very factual and can be confirmed by any simple Google search. But here’s what the average Joe Six Pack American doesn’t know about how the unemployment rate is calculated. I initially had questions about this when I was in my early 20′s and out of work for a year. So here’s what I found out then (and corroborated by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the source in which the unemployment rate data is derived):
- The unemployment rate is initially measured by calculating the amount of Americans who have been involuntarily terminated (not due to misconduct) are currently receiving unemployment compensation (insurance) from the respective state(s) in which they reside compared to the amount of Americans who are currently working (which includes anyone 16 and up working at the mall all the way up to CEO’s). Because this number does not include those who have ran out of eligibility, the BLS will then take a representative sample of 60,000 households in the U.S. and ask them a set of questions to determine the employment of that particular household. They will use that to guess determine what the unemployment rate is. This rate is produced and published on a monthly basis by the BLS.

So here’s what the data is NOT telling you: as they admit, this does not factor in Americans who have ran out of eligibility (i.e. those who have surpassed their state benefits, and any federal extension benefits that may exist) and have to use other means in which to bring income into their household (such as depleting savings, selling their stuff, taking menial jobs to have something coming versus nothing, and yes of course, CRIME). When you factor that in, the rate of unemployed and the underemployed is MUCH higher than you think, especially in the minority communities. As someone who can personally attest to that, I know that back in 2003 George W. Bush decided to discontinue the Federal Unemployment extension program, which left every unemployed American with only the benefits of their respective states, which was usually no more than 6 months. In my opinion, he did this for two reasons: 1. He knew how the numbers worked, and cutting the federal program would reduce that number for his own political gain. And 2. In order to fund our efforts in Afghanistan and in Iraq, additional money to pad the defense budget had to come from somewhere, don’t ya think?

Now for those who are in any type of professional working setting, and you see the continual changes they make based on tone at the top, you understand why this economy is jacked up. For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, I will give you a crash course:
Any private sector company that is publicly traded has one major goal in mind: make money, which is typically measured by such things as profit margin, earnings/dividends per share to stockholders. Growth is always good for any public, and staying where you’re at, or shrinking, is bad and can affect stock price. So the constant goal is to figure out how to maintain a respectable profit margin (so that everyone gets their “cut” of the pie), regardless of the growth or shrinkage of the company. In the case where your company is shrinking, what’s the easiest way to reduce expense and maintain profit margin? YES, lay off employees. That simple, yet widely practiced, plan of action is the quickest way to reduce operating and administrative expense within any company. Some companies do it well, and some cut too deep and it will cost them quality. However, if you still need to reduce expense, but can’t afford to lose the “firepower” from a personnel standpoint, what’s your plan B? Ah YES, send those jobs overseas to countries such as India, China, or the Philippines, where you can do a 1:1 swap of domestic worker to overseas contingent worker, reduce the hourly rate charged to your bottom line, and not lose production. Soooooo…….. when those decisions are made as to who will get cut, per se, some tough decisions have to be made (and I will leave it at that, LOL).

Despite everything I just told you, there are still a lion’s share of Republicans and members of the Taxed Enough Already (TEA) Party who believe that the government should reduce income tax on the top 1% (who have 80% of the country’s wealth), maintain the tax code loopholes that allow companies like GE to not pay ANY corporate tax, while reducing the corporate tax collectively, and reduce taxes on companies that ship jobs overseas to increase company profits (in which the taxes as is still allow most companies to reduce expenses compared to keeping jobs here). The “trickle-down” theory from the 80′s was supposed to put more money in the pockets of the rich so they can spend more on those who contribute to their wealth. How has that worked out for Americans, given that most who have benefited from those tax cuts started by Reagan have kept that money? Look at Harlem in the 80′s (the poster child of the crack epidemic), the Midwest (outside of Chicago) over the last 20 years, and California since “the Governator” has been in charge.

To sum it up, America, WAKE THE HELL UP and have enough initiative to educate yourself on the facts versus just settling for the flawed information that’s being presented to you. But I understand how hard that is when we are so impatient and lazy as a country when it comes to self-education, right? Has Obama been perfect? No, of course not. But just like in most corporations in this country, Black men have to be twice as good (and/or perfect in their role) in order to be considered good enough to be next to their fair performing white counterpart, and that’s Obama’s conundrum as the first Black POTUS.

If you have a problem with what I said, in the words of The Rock, JUST BRING IT!!!

I was having a conversation this past weekend with a friend of mine in Atlanta, and she was telling me about how a dude proposed to his girlfriend, more or less, at the club (yes, the CLUB). Although she accepted, the fact that a dude proposed at the club (in my opinion) is straight ghetto and lacks class. And being who I am, I decided to joke on it and talk about how dude probably had this song cued up after she said yes. I also talked to her about my Wednesday Wind Down experience when a dude should have aborted mission on site.

Fast forward a few days, and another conversation ensues where a woman hints at the demise of her current relationship. Without asking her for detail, she simply said “there are certain things that can’t be fixed”. I didn’t say anything to her at the time, but my initial thought was “I wonder if a ring would?”. Which brings me to this nice gem on youtube, courtesy of necolebitchie.com:

As you can see, a dude decides to propose to his girlfriend at the club and gets royally shot down. For starters…………. fellas, having ya boy sing a song on your behalf to your girl is a great idea on the surface (especially if you can’t hold a note), but having him sing a song with lyrics in the chorus that hint at you formerly having a lot of women is not necessarily a good idea when proposing (MESSAGE!!).  Second, on both sides, you should have had the “marriage conversation” and leave that conversation knowing in your heart that this is the one for you. In other words, DUDE, you should have known she was going to say yes before you got down on one knee. If you have doubt with her answer, don’t propose…….. PERIOD.

However, that’s not the primary motivation for this blog…………….

If you go back and watch the clip again, you will notice that dude said “I can’t change what I did in the past” and you could read the girl’s lips and she said something to the effect of “you can’t fix this, this isn’t going to fix anything”. Now I applaud her for using her head to make what she felt was the best decision and not buckling to the pressure of accepting the proposal to not embarrass the dude, regardless of if it’s in public or private. It’s a shame for her that a moment she’s been dreaming about since she was a little girl had to come, from a man she knew wasn’t the one for her, in the middle of a packed CLUB. Her words alluded to a broken relationship that was beyond repair. Now dude could have been physically abusive, or dude’s infidelity could have been an issue. But here’s the problem that I have with this brotha’s Hail Mary football play: in most cases, IT WORKS!

Why does it work? Because women continue to fall for it. The story is always the same: man acts foul, isn’t on the up and up, messes up bad with his girl, who decides to or threatens to leave him. Now the man, who has taken his woman for granted, now realizes he’s at risk of losing the only woman in his life who will put up with him, and typical “discussion” is not getting him anywhere. So since conventional conversation has gained him no yards and time’s running out, a man will lay it all on the line and throw the Hail Mary pass of player moves, which I like to call “The Diamond Apology”, formerly known as The CCP (Cookie Control Proposal). This apology simply consists of a man using an engagement ring (the semi-official symbol of commitment) as a means to accomplish two things: get her back, AND shut her up.

It works so often because it gives most women the illusion of a man that’s ready to “make it right” and commit, but that’s not always the case. I recall a story from my early 20′s about a girl I chatted with on BlackPlanet, and she was talking about how she was dating a Euroleague ball player who kept cheating on her (in the US and in Europe) and was verbally abusive. She had one foot out the door, until her man showed up to her NY studio apartment with an apology, a “Performance Improvement Plan”, and a 3 carat diamond ring. Of course she accepted his apology and was now engaged to a man who virtually turned around and got on a plane back to Europe as soon as she said yes. Did they get married? Who knows, since she shut down her BP page as a sign of commitment to him (yeah I know, laughable). But several years later into my 30′s, and dozens of comparable stories later, the ploy still works.

To wrap this up, here are two takeways:

LADIES: Quit falling for this Day 26-ish BS move. As men, simply put, this move is less about our “love” for you and more about our ego. Don’t let your romantic and emotional apathy override your female intuition. You KNOW when a man’s not the one for you; don’t let societal and peer pressure put you in a non-value added situation where you’re a neglected woman with additional jewelry.

FELLAS: When you’re involved with a woman, DO RIGHT BY HER! Think about it: when you want a promotion at work, you have to perform at the next level in order to get promoted, right? Now why wouldn’t you do the same when it comes to the woman you want to be with? If you want to be a woman’s husband, you must perform at that level in order for God to ordain your union and bless you with that opportunity. So that means, love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25); don’t abuse her, don’t neglect her, don’t cheat on her, protect and provide for her (and I’m not talking physical protection or financial provision). If you do that, and your woman reciprocates that love to you, then you will avoid the fate of the brotha in the clip, or this poor guy in Houston.

I know a LOT of dudes might be mad at what I’m saying here, and some women too. But if you are, you really need to look in the mirror and determine the root cause of your anger. I’m just the educated messenger.

Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think, and/or share your experiences.

In the last couple of weeks, Facebook has made a few upgrades to their site, including a new look to the whole “Friend Suggestion” feature. Every once in a while, I will browse through there to see who they suggest. Without fail, every time I go in there, FB will suggest dozens of folks in which me and said person have at LEAST 100+ friends in common. To add on top of it, they are people that I used to know, but no longer keep in contact with (mostly women from my undergrad institution, just being honest).

When I think upon what has transpired in my life over the last couple of years, it brought things into perspective for me as to how much I have cut the BS (yes I mean people too) out of my life. There were a lot of people in my life (including my own frat brothers) who were just non-value added and/or borderline toxic to my growth as a man, and I stopped justifying their place in my life because of loyalty to my organizations, to my university, or to “history”.

As little fun as I have had in Chicago in my two years here, the quiet nights spent at home has allowed me to hear God more and work on me. It allowed me to realize that I spent too much time worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people. If there’s one personal blessing in being in the Chi, it’s given me the opportunity to get away from the noise of “the crowd” and see who needed to stick around in order for me to work towards the next level.

Everyone doesn’t see your greatness, your value, the God in you; everyone isn’t meant to.  I’m at a point in my life now where I am less tolerant of in-authentic folk and less apologetic of being authentic with others. Maybe you can chalk it up to maturity or to discernment. Whatever it is, I thank God for it. You can’t gain muscle without losing fat. And given that I’ve cut over 2000 friends (on FB) and gained 30 pounds, although not directly correlated, it proves the aforementioned point.

So for those who are reading this who I consider at least an associate, don’t speak too much ill on those folks within that 2000 (which I’m sure you will know at least 100 of them yourself). In the words of Karen Clark-Sheard, leave my Judas alone, because if it wasn’t for Judas, it wouldn’t have pushed Jesus to the next level. I see 2011 as that journey to the next level, and although I want to avoid the adverse times, I know it will only make me better in the long run because of the lessons I will learn.

Now………………..

If you are reading this, and are in that number or who will soon be in that number if you don’t get some act right, including, but not limited to the following:

• People who have talked/lied about me behind my back and the rocks cried out on your trifling ways
• Women who I wanted to date and threw me into platonic prison without parole and got salty for me breaking out and not settling for 2nd choice, and thereby moved into the first bullet
• People who I just simply grew apart from over the years
• People who unknowingly disrupted my connection to God and His will in my life

You are forgiven! However, that doesn’t mean we’re good now. Don’t get it twisted. Maybe our paths will cross again (outside of homecoming or trips to your city), and maybe God will allow for us to be connected again. But right now, continue to live your life, and do what’s best for you.

Amen!

Ladies, let’s say you’re in law school and you meet some really great guy. He’s everything you desire in a man once he passes the bar and pays back his student loans, but you’re willing to ride it out because his dad is a partner at a prestigious firm in DC, but you find out he has a girlfriend, and is in a happy relationship (you know this because you went to a Constitutional Law study session for your section in a seductive, low cut blouse and he didn’t give you the time of day). You two are friends, but he has clearly set boundaries that you and him won’t jump off. So it’s early April, and you know the end of the year banquet is coming up and you don’t have a date because …….. well……. the great guy isn’t available, and no one else measures up that’s in your program. So you figure, he’s from DC, so he should know a few local guys that he can hook you up with to take to the banquet and maybe connect with long term after.

Imagine if he says he does have a friend for you, but the dude got his AA from Prince George Community College, has 4 kids, 3 baby mama’s, and although he works for the “gub’ment”, he wants to be a rapper and has no plan B in case that doesn’t work out. On top of that, dude looks like Mos Def and Lil’ Wayne had a baby. But the great guy says his boy is a great guy and can vouch for him because they grew up together in SE DC.

So ladies, how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you feel like Angela did in Boomerang when Marcus Graham hooked her up with Gerard? Ok think about it, take a second………………………

Ok, you think that’s messed up right? But think about how many times you have done that to people who have been interested in you, and think about when the shoe was on the other foot when it happened to you. It has happened to me too many times to name.

This reminds of when I was in high school and I applied to the engineering program at UCLA around the time they banned affirmative action in the UC system. When I received my rejection letter in the mail, accompanying that letter was a list of local community colleges that they recommended I attend, and MAYBE after two years, if there’s a transfer spot, then I can re-apply. I looked at the letter that day, and the listing of CC’s, and TORE IT UP IMMEDIATELY. If I don’t get into UCLA, I will go to USC, Howard, Morehouse, Temple. Refer me to those schools, not El Camino, Santa Monica College, or some other 13th grade school.

Here’s the thing: Even though some of the things we look for can be perceived as uppity, shallow, or image driven, you have to factor that in when you refer friends to each other. You should never make someone feel like they only deserve a “consolation prize”. If you think that’s ok to do, and you KNOW you’re doing it, then that shows how much you care about some of the people you associate with. That’s why it’s hard for me to hook up my homegirls with some of my boys (on top of having single guy friends who meet prereqs my homegirls lay out). I’m not one of those guys who will have you trying to follow back up with me saying “Who the hell did you hook me up with?” or “Rich, you ain’t right. HIM?!?!”

So the next time you go on the game show of love, and the host tries to send you home with a year’s supply of plain white rice because you couldn’t win the brand new car, throw that rice right back at them and keep it moving.

Has this ever happened to you? Was your reaction and approach comparable to mine? Let me hear your thoughts.

Earlier this week, my boys over at SingleBlackMale.org posted a entry about the way to find the woman of your dreams. The premise of this article is that a man who will be better positioned to find wifey if you sow the hell out of those oats. In other words, be a whore. Knock out as many women as you can, get some variety, and you will get closer to finding your wife.

Now, in theory, as a Christian, I have to disagree with the premise that running through a bunch of women is not the right thing to do. The key is to focus on one woman at a time, have faith, and see what happens. If it doesn’t work, then you move on.

HOWEVER, past experience has taught me that REALITY tells a totally different story. For some reason, brothas are who the least virtuous seem to be the brothas who have the most chicks after them, and usually end up getting married and having kids sooner. 9 times out of 10, your boy who was slaying a football roster of chicks back in the day in college is probably somewhere with his wife and kids now, and he’s the happiest man on earth.

Speaking personally, when I was in undergrad, I spent all of junior and senior year celibate (outside of one slip up that was just too easy to let pass up, especially after only having to buy her some stale chicken strips at the PunchOut) . However, there was a direct correlation between my lack of urgency to have sex and the lack of “options” that I had. That same trend correlates to my current situation in how I’m not chasing sex, per se. I honestly felt closer to finding my wife when I threw caution to the wind and just did what I wanted, and how I wanted; I didn’t care if I ran over a woman’s heart, I was going to get what I wanted. It’s not right (I know this now), but that was my reality prior to my move to the Chi 2 years ago.

Another thing that trips me out is how some brothas will sleep with a woman, and wake up in a relationship. I have had numerous conversations with some of my boys who will talk a lot of smack about some girl he’s going to smash take out in the next week, then you turn around and ya boy is gone over her, just like LL’s character in “Deliver Us From Eva” and the infamous Marcus Graham. Ironically, when I used to utilize the same “let me go for it” approach, it’s usually with women I don’t see (or don’t care to have) as someone I could be with long term, yet it’s those women who fall for me the fastest (go figure).

But in my mission over the last 2 years to be more virtuous and more selective (don’t trip, God ain’t through with me yet), it has kept my bed cold, raised my heating bills in the winter, and jabbing my male ego. However, God has allowed me to take time and really work on me and looking at things long term. I’ve come a long way, and I won’t trade nothing for my journey. At 30, my opportunity to whore my way into love has passed (contrary to popular opinion), and my male ego has to take a back seat to what is more important: humility before God and heeding to His will. PERIOD!!

One thing I can validate is that, as someone who has been happily employed at my current place of employment for the last 2 years, I get my fair share of companies who will reach out to me about their company and how it’s better than my current company. It is what it is. But what made me ponder this analogy is a conversation I had with a classmate of mine from business school where the subject was my dating life. She was telling me, the next time I’m out in Chicago, to take her with me to whichever lounge/club I decide to go to (I don’t know if her man would go for that, but hey, that’s her problem, not mine). Here’s more of the dialogue:

RichBrand: Why should I do that?
Female Classmate: Because more women will want to talk to you.
RB: But you’re with me there; most of them will think we’re together.
FC: Yeah, but they will be more attracted to you, because another woman’s with you. You know how they say all of the good men are taken?
RB: Ummm, yeah.
FC: Exactly my point.
RB: So you are saying that me being single does not make me a good man? As if I need to be in a relationship and women get their rocks off by stealing another woman’s man.
FC: Yes and No
RB: Elaborate
FC: It’s like applying for a job. You’re more likely to get the job you want if you already have one.

When taking this away from the conversation, I started to think back on some of my dating experiences over the last couple of years. It’s funny how there is some truth to what she said. Some women love a challenge as much as men do. But at the same time, the difference between women and men is that…………… you know what, Chris Rock can explain better than I can:

My opinion: I find it hard to believe that me being single is somehow an indictment on my worth as a man. As much as I find the notion of working for a company that wants to steal me away from my current job an asinine stance, me having to have a girlfriend and validating that I’m desirable and romantically stable is just as asinine. Just because I’m single does not mean there’s something wrong with me, with you, or anybody. All of us are in our season for a reason, whether we’re single, in a good/bad relationship, good/bad marriage, divorced, or widowed. Besides, I’m a believer in karma; so ladies, what makes you think that the man you stole or that you want to steal can’t get stolen from you? And fellas, if women make you feel that your external value is lowered because no woman right now is worth your time or women are too dumb to see your worth, thereby keeping you single, then these women who have subscriptions to Neanderthal-level thinking do not need to be in your life anymore.

To my ladies, is this true? Would you rather have a man that’s “employed” and/or that a bunch of “companies” want versus a man you like that is unattached and wants you? And fellas, have other women told you this before? Has this been your experience? Let me hear your thoughts.