RichBrand.Net

As part of my return to blogging on occasion, I’m once again introducing another segment to my blog called “Ask RichBrand”, where people can email me with any questions or topics that they want me to discuss and/or elaborate on.  Please feel free to send all commentary related to this to rich1906@gmail.com. Please, no SPAM or BS is allowed and you will be blocked from sending me stuff. Also, your questions will be anonymous and your name will not be used in a post.

A few weeks ago, I got the following question emailed to me from a friend of mine:

Can a man handle a woman who’s more successful and not have any insecurities?

For thoes who are not familiar with the dating game in Black America, this question is about MONEY. Knowing the source from which this question comes from, I know she is a successful woman who’s doing her thing, and apparently she’s having trouble with finding a man who can accept making less money than her.

Before I go into answering the question, let me set a point of reference. Now granted, there are a LOT of men out there who have this thing where they feel they have to make more money than their women, and alot of women all but require that their man make more money than them. IMHO, along with society, the biggest pimp on Planet Earth is to blame for this: Dear Ol’ Mama. When we’re growing up, it’s mom that’s telling young ladies to find a man that will take care of you, and/or that is equally yolked to you in education, finances, and values. As young men we are told that we have to place ourselves in a position where we are successful and can provide for our families. Now, you have some moms who say this with all genuine intentions, and I definitely respect that. But for most, the message received is “LADIES, no matter how much you got, make sure you get a man that got as much as you or more, and FELLAS, women don’t marry down, so get all you can get so that a woman will respect you.”

A lot of this derives from outdated values that originate from the days when the man was the sole provider for the family (i.e. brought home the bacon) and the woman stayed home and primarily took care of the house and the kids. This was also a time when hand-me-downs was the rule, and not the exception, and there were not a lot of white collar opportunities for African-Americans in this country (let alone these same opportunities for women). But as time has evolved, women as a whole have become a more integral part of the white collar workforce, making their own, and having their own, and less likely to run to college to get their MRS. However, you still have some that hold on to those values of only entertaining men that will take care of them financially. I know gorgeous women personally who are lawyers, doctors, consultants, managers who make well into 6 figures annually with their base salary, let alone bonuses, where I will have this conversation with them:

Me: So tell me, why are you single?

Her: Because there aren’t any good men out there who are on my level.

Me: So what is your level?

Her: Well, you know I’m a (insert career), so I can’t find a man who can handle that and what I’m trying to do.

Me: So what if a man approached you, who wasn’t intimidated by all of that, but made half of what you made, would you….

Her: Oh no no no, like I said, he has to be on my level, preferably above. I can’t deal with no broke man. Any man who don’t make (blank) is broke to me and ain’t ready for me.

(Sidebar: If I was having this conversation with a woman who make alot of money and isn’t as attractive or even attractive at all, I would refer her to my “Stay in your Lane” blog from ’04, LOL)

To not drag this on too much longer, I will separate this by gender, and I will start with US, the BROTHAS:

The biggest thing that you have to realize is that, in the end, it’s your career and your degree(s) that define only PART of you. With most women, it gets you in the door, but with a good woman it’s not enough to keep you in the house. If you don’t develop yourself as much on the inside as much as you develop your resume, then all of your accomplishments mean nothing. You have to be secure in yourself to realize your own worth as a man before a woman can realize it. Once you understand who you are, then you shouldn’t have any issue with the accomplishments of the woman in your life. You could be a Java programmer and she could be a doctor. But if she shows through her actions and her words that she loves you FOR you, as is, BROTHA BE HAPPY. I grew up around enough examples in my family where the woman made more money than the man. However, all of these couples approached their marriages as partnerships (WE mentality) and they shared all that they had together, because they realized that they were one unit now, no longer separate entities. And despite all of that, the women still let the men in their lives be men. Making less money is not a knock on your manhood, especially when none of that will matter when you meet Jesus at the gate because all of that will be left down here. So if you got a good woman in your life, be like Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”.

Now LADIES, don’t get it twisted. The burden of a man’s security in a relationship is not solely built on him taking the “MAN UP” approach. You need to do some things on your end as well, along with some self-assessment of what it is that you look for in a man. Let’s be real about it, if you are a successful lawyer who makes $150k a year, and a good man approaches you that makes around $70-80k a year, and you dismiss him because he don’t make enough money to supplement your lifestyle, you’s a DUMBASS (and trust me, I have dealt with and KNOW a lot of women who make this mistake daily and wonder why they’re single). I ran into a lot of women like y’all during the year I was in Atlanta (and if I elaborate further I will step on the toes of a later blog about independent women, so I digress). Here’s a rhetorical question I want to pose to any single woman reading this:

If money and the opinion of your girlfriends and co-workers wasn’t a factor, what type of man do you think God would bless you with?

You have to understand that you can’t always give in to the pressure of society and the pressure of your family either. Just because your mom and dad were lawyers and doctors doesn’t mean you have to be one and/or marry one. Just because your homegirl copped herself an investment banker doesn’t mean you have to get one too (now, I’m not saying date the bagger at WalMart, but hopefully you’re educated enough to understand what I’m trying to say). Contentment and happiness trumps all, and if you care more about what a man has than how he treats you, then you need Jesus. Trust and believe there are a lot of good, well off, hard working men out here who will not be intimidated by the PhD, MD, or JD behind your name, and who won’t embarass you at your work holiday party or at your BLSA function.  

In the end, the security of a relationship is a two-way street, and is not solely on the man or the woman to be the gatekeeper. It takes two to act as one, and if you take that approach, shouldn’t have any problems.