As most of you know, I have not written a blog entry in several months now, and those who know me personally have some true insight into why. But there are times when a perfect storm of conversations and youtube clips will lead me to speak on a subject that all of us have been exposed to at one point or another. A lot of men are bold and desperate enough to do it, and because a LOT of women continue to fall for it, men will continue to do it. But before I go into it, I will speak on how the storm came together…….
I was having a conversation this past weekend with a friend of mine in Atlanta, and she was telling me about how a dude proposed to his girlfriend, more or less, at the club (yes, the CLUB). Although she accepted, the fact that a dude proposed at the club (in my opinion) is straight ghetto and lacks class. And being who I am, I decided to joke on it and talk about how dude probably had this song cued up after she said yes. I also talked to her about my Wednesday Wind Down experience when a dude should have aborted mission on site.
Fast forward a few days, and another conversation ensues where a woman hints at the demise of her current relationship. Without asking her for detail, she simply said “there are certain things that can’t be fixed”. I didn’t say anything to her at the time, but my initial thought was “I wonder if a ring would?”. Which brings me to this nice gem on youtube, courtesy of necolebitchie.com:
As you can see, a dude decides to propose to his girlfriend at the club and gets royally shot down. For starters…………. fellas, having ya boy sing a song on your behalf to your girl is a great idea on the surface (especially if you can’t hold a note), but having him sing a song with lyrics in the chorus that hint at you formerly having a lot of women is not necessarily a good idea when proposing (MESSAGE!!). Second, on both sides, you should have had the “marriage conversation” and leave that conversation knowing in your heart that this is the one for you. In other words, DUDE, you should have known she was going to say yes before you got down on one knee. If you have doubt with her answer, don’t propose…….. PERIOD.
However, that’s not the primary motivation for this blog…………….
If you go back and watch the clip again, you will notice that dude said “I can’t change what I did in the past” and you could read the girl’s lips and she said something to the effect of “you can’t fix this, this isn’t going to fix anything”. Now I applaud her for using her head to make what she felt was the best decision and not buckling to the pressure of accepting the proposal to not embarrass the dude, regardless of if it’s in public or private. It’s a shame for her that a moment she’s been dreaming about since she was a little girl had to come, from a man she knew wasn’t the one for her, in the middle of a packed CLUB. Her words alluded to a broken relationship that was beyond repair. Now dude could have been physically abusive, or dude’s infidelity could have been an issue. But here’s the problem that I have with this brotha’s Hail Mary football play: in most cases, IT WORKS!
Why does it work? Because women continue to fall for it. The story is always the same: man acts foul, isn’t on the up and up, messes up bad with his girl, who decides to or threatens to leave him. Now the man, who has taken his woman for granted, now realizes he’s at risk of losing the only woman in his life who will put up with him, and typical “discussion” is not getting him anywhere. So since conventional conversation has gained him no yards and time’s running out, a man will lay it all on the line and throw the Hail Mary pass of player moves, which I like to call “The Diamond Apology”, formerly known as The CCP (Cookie Control Proposal). This apology simply consists of a man using an engagement ring (the semi-official symbol of commitment) as a means to accomplish two things: get her back, AND shut her up.
It works so often because it gives most women the illusion of a man that’s ready to “make it right” and commit, but that’s not always the case. I recall a story from my early 20′s about a girl I chatted with on BlackPlanet, and she was talking about how she was dating a Euroleague ball player who kept cheating on her (in the US and in Europe) and was verbally abusive. She had one foot out the door, until her man showed up to her NY studio apartment with an apology, a “Performance Improvement Plan”, and a 3 carat diamond ring. Of course she accepted his apology and was now engaged to a man who virtually turned around and got on a plane back to Europe as soon as she said yes. Did they get married? Who knows, since she shut down her BP page as a sign of commitment to him (yeah I know, laughable). But several years later into my 30′s, and dozens of comparable stories later, the ploy still works.
To wrap this up, here are two takeways:
LADIES: Quit falling for this Day 26-ish BS move. As men, simply put, this move is less about our “love” for you and more about our ego. Don’t let your romantic and emotional apathy override your female intuition. You KNOW when a man’s not the one for you; don’t let societal and peer pressure put you in a non-value added situation where you’re a neglected woman with additional jewelry.
FELLAS: When you’re involved with a woman, DO RIGHT BY HER! Think about it: when you want a promotion at work, you have to perform at the next level in order to get promoted, right? Now why wouldn’t you do the same when it comes to the woman you want to be with? If you want to be a woman’s husband, you must perform at that level in order for God to ordain your union and bless you with that opportunity. So that means, love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25); don’t abuse her, don’t neglect her, don’t cheat on her, protect and provide for her (and I’m not talking physical protection or financial provision). If you do that, and your woman reciprocates that love to you, then you will avoid the fate of the brotha in the clip, or this poor guy in Houston.
I know a LOT of dudes might be mad at what I’m saying here, and some women too. But if you are, you really need to look in the mirror and determine the root cause of your anger. I’m just the educated messenger.
Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think, and/or share your experiences.
You are so right Rich. And you know it’s funny watching this video because I was supposed to be at this party last weekend. And I know the people in the video in passing. I’m so proud of her and I truly admire her for being true to herself. Another woman would ‘ve said yes for appearances sake and broke it off later. But she couldn’t even lie.
As a woman who has been hurt in the past i can understand where she is at. Because a man can hurt you so bad that the love doesn’t even matter anymore. I used to ask my ex-boyfriend please don’t let me get to the point where my love for you doesn’t even matter anymore, but of course he did. And at that point he could’ve truly changed and been for real from then on out but I was a little too far past gone. And I just COULDN’T give myself to a person who didn’t deserve my love.
All I have to say to the men is forget about that ego and what society says a real man is. A real man is honest and has integrity and a moral code. When you find the woman whose gonna hold you down, like Rich said be true to that one and don’t tarnish the pure love the woman has for you because it’s so powerful. “Cause when a woman loves, she loves for real” in R. Kelly’s words. And as R. Kelly also said “When a woman’s fed up there ain’t NOTHING you can do about it” . Even Kelly had to learn it the hard way. Save yourself some trouble and cherish that pure (untarnished) love and never take it for granted because even if she stays with you after it’s gone it’ll never be the same.
Great Post!
What can I say… well said! Rich, I especially agree with your statement made directly to the fellas with regard to performing at the next level and I say the same goes for us. The fact is the same God that ordained and created marriage is also the same God who tells us in Ephesians 4:1 to walk worthy of the vocation wherewith we were called” Personal experience and growth has taught me that this does not only refer to our spirituality but to every endeavor and facet of our humanity. With that your stating that a man must perform at the next level before he gets the promotion, therefore he should do the same when it comes to his relationships and “marketability” as a husband is spot on. I’ve learned and am continually learning that in order to be a suitable wife to someone I must be groomed for that position and I must walk in that position before I get the title, and this is coming from a woman who was a wife once already! Preparation for marriage can only come when one has learned to conduct themselves with wisdom and chastity of all kinds as a single person. I applaud this woman for saying no to the ring.
As women, we need to stop casting our pearls before swine, giving our “love” to those who abuse it. It is time we learned to lead our hearts and stop following them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It is no conincidence of human evolution but rather the inspired greatness of the very intellect and specificity of an omniscient God that placed the brain above the heart in our design. Finally, when we look at that first marraige in Genesis it is interesting to note that God prepared both Adam and Eve separately. When Eve was fully prepared God awakened Adam and presented her to him. An apology means nothing if there is not prolonged observation of evidence that the behavior has indeed been corrected a ring never has and never will suddenly make someone do right, and it won’t make one silent for long!
Very interesting read! I particularly enjoy and appreciate the advice you leave for women.
I just have a simple question. Why did this woman continue to date a man she has no intentions on marrying? if dude messed up why continue the relationship?
The Orlando dating scene is HORRIBLE (worse than the Chi), and she would probably rather say she has someone than just be alone (in other words, she hasn’t found a replacement for dude). But I’m sure after this tape, a lot of dudes are probably hollering now.
I freakin LUUUUV it!!!
“Neglected woman with additional jewelry” WOW.I’ve never heard this perspective before, in relation to marriage proposals when the typical “get her back” strategy fails. Dope.
Great read. I agree 150%.
Rich!!! This article is absolutely GREAT and well worth the wait!
“If you want to be a woman’s husband, you must perform at that level in order for God to ordain your union and bless you with that opportunity. So that means, love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25); don’t abuse her, don’t neglect her, don’t cheat on her, protect and provide for her.”
I am really proud of this young lady for standing up. I wonder if he now feels like she has, each time he didn’t come home, she found pictures, text messages, voice-mails from other women on his phone, each time she tried to ignore rumors and random women on his facebook and twitter pages, etc.
In the end, marriage and committed relationships have lost value in our society and it is too easy to make selfish decisions that hurt the person we promised to cherish before the Lord. I feel if more people could really look/feel outside of themselves and their selfish wants/needs, then the world overall would be a much better and heaven-like place.
XoXo
w hy is the assumptionthat the man messed up as the reason she said no? no one has the exact fact. isnt it possible she messed up and couldnt agree to marry a man she doesnt love.
i don’t think it’s so much an assumption that he messed up as it is a statement of fact based upon the lyrics of the song his friend sang…..”I know I’ve messed up and cheating with lots of women” or something to that effect! From that can we extrapolate any meaning other than the obvious.
interesting observation, that could be it or a poor choice of song. but then that brings me back to my original comment of why continue to date someone you can not see yourself marrying
Indeed, why continue to date someone you cannot see yourself marrying. I submit to you that at the time we see this proposal/apology they are categorically not together. A scenario leading her to say that’s it…I’m done which caused him to think about it for a few days and decide that he wants her back and he knows she’s not gonna just take him back this time so….invite her out to “talk” and being a woman she agrees to talk, it is not a date they are merely going to clear the air and then he does this. this proposal was a last ditch effort on his part to “make it right”….putting a bandage over an infected wound without dealing with the infection.
Wow Rich! I’m late but this was right on time. I know several friends who got randomly engaged during a major break up and all 3 are now in their late 30s and are divorced.
Funny thing is that if you go back to my blog “Leverage Factor” it ties into this somewhat. The girl who used me didn’t even make it 2 years with her ex-husband, because he never stopped cheating on her.
This entire post is phenomenal. You could go on the road with this nugget of information right here, preaching to all the men and women of the world and of the church Thank you for coming back off your hiatus to bless us with this. I thank God I found your blog! Hope all is well with you and know that whatever it is, God never gives us more than we can handle.
Love Always,
Sunny