Ok, there is something that has kept going on throughout the years and I have to call people out on it. Women do it, and men do it too. Although you mean well, you are just straight wrong for doing it. In fact, I have cut ties with some folks over it because it is a slap in the face. I don’t do it because I actually try to care about other people. If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, let me give you a scenario:
Ladies, let’s say you’re in law school and you meet some really great guy. He’s everything you desire in a man once he passes the bar and pays back his student loans, but you’re willing to ride it out because his dad is a partner at a prestigious firm in DC, but you find out he has a girlfriend, and is in a happy relationship (you know this because you went to a Constitutional Law study session for your section in a seductive, low cut blouse and he didn’t give you the time of day). You two are friends, but he has clearly set boundaries that you and him won’t jump off. So it’s early April, and you know the end of the year banquet is coming up and you don’t have a date because …….. well……. the great guy isn’t available, and no one else measures up that’s in your program. So you figure, he’s from DC, so he should know a few local guys that he can hook you up with to take to the banquet and maybe connect with long term after.
Imagine if he says he does have a friend for you, but the dude got his AA from Prince George Community College, has 4 kids, 3 baby mama’s, and although he works for the “gub’ment”, he wants to be a rapper and has no plan B in case that doesn’t work out. On top of that, dude looks like Mos Def and Lil’ Wayne had a baby. But the great guy says his boy is a great guy and can vouch for him because they grew up together in SE DC.
So ladies, how would you feel if this happened to you? Would you feel like Angela did in Boomerang when Marcus Graham hooked her up with Gerard? Ok think about it, take a second………………………
Ok, you think that’s messed up right? But think about how many times you have done that to people who have been interested in you, and think about when the shoe was on the other foot when it happened to you. It has happened to me too many times to name.
This reminds of when I was in high school and I applied to the engineering program at UCLA around the time they banned affirmative action in the UC system. When I received my rejection letter in the mail, accompanying that letter was a list of local community colleges that they recommended I attend, and MAYBE after two years, if there’s a transfer spot, then I can re-apply. I looked at the letter that day, and the listing of CC’s, and TORE IT UP IMMEDIATELY. If I don’t get into UCLA, I will go to USC, Howard, Morehouse, Temple. Refer me to those schools, not El Camino, Santa Monica College, or some other 13th grade school.
Here’s the thing: Even though some of the things we look for can be perceived as uppity, shallow, or image driven, you have to factor that in when you refer friends to each other. You should never make someone feel like they only deserve a “consolation prize”. If you think that’s ok to do, and you KNOW you’re doing it, then that shows how much you care about some of the people you associate with. That’s why it’s hard for me to hook up my homegirls with some of my boys (on top of having single guy friends who meet prereqs my homegirls lay out). I’m not one of those guys who will have you trying to follow back up with me saying “Who the hell did you hook me up with?” or “Rich, you ain’t right. HIM?!?!”
So the next time you go on the game show of love, and the host tries to send you home with a year’s supply of plain white rice because you couldn’t win the brand new car, throw that rice right back at them and keep it moving.
Has this ever happened to you? Was your reaction and approach comparable to mine? Let me hear your thoughts.
I’m usually the one who hooks people up, so I’ve never been in the situation to be hooked up with some low class, second choice, consolation prize. And honestly I’m surprised you have been. Basically, when I hook people up I do care about them, I take into consideration the vibe I get from them and the vibe I get from the other person. In addition, I’m looking at a deeper level of connection in regards to personality, talkativeness, social skills and life experiences. Unfortunately, some people are still focused on looks, appearance, and status and therefore, don’t even give certain individuals a chance.
In regards to the female who asked the guy with whom she was interested to hook her up…. that was the first mistake. She was interested in HIM, not any of his friends, so it was not fair for her to expect ANY of his friends to be JUST LIKE HIM. In fact, thats the problem when people ask “Don’t you have any friends or sisters or cousins?” Of course we have friends etc, but if you are looking for someone just like me, you are going to be out of luck. I’m so far beyond, the superficial, so far beyond the just playing church, just playing God, hanging in the clubs, getting drunk, getting high, not making a difference in this world… I’m so far beyond all the petty things in life. I’m focused, driven, career oriented, gifted, talented and I know who I am in the Lord. That separates me from a lot of my “friends” or “relatives”. Not saying that I’m holier than thou or that they are not striving towards being what God has called them to be, but everyone has their own testimony and their own timing so its not fair for you to expect someone you are interested in to hook you up with someone just like them. That’s not realistic. Most of the time, we are in people’s lives that are on totally different wave lengths and levels than we are. Sometimes, people are older and more mature than us and have been where we are going so they can help move us further along in our calling. And other times, we have people in our lives that are where we used to be and are still struggling with things we used to struggle with, hanging in spots we used to hang in, doing things we used to do. We are there to help pull them along, encourage them and bring them closer to their destiny. So if you are expecting someone to provide you with their clone, you will be sadly disappointed. Most relationships compliment each other rather than totally reflect each other.
So for someone with whom this has happened so many times I have a few questions: Who are these people you are asking to hook you up? Are you looking for someone just like them? Are you trying to get the full package? And if you are trying to get the full package are you surrounding yourself with the type of women that you want to be with, gorgeous, fun loving, God-fearing, career driven, independent yet submissive? Because if you are not catching the fish you want, you may want to reconsider where you are casting your net. Also, are you everything you want that person to be?
“Why causes quarrels and fights among us, they come from selfish desires that are at war in your bodies don’t they?” James 4:1 Another element to this equation is the fact that when you are in a relationship especially if you are trying to get married you really have to be selfless. Most people are just the opposite. Most people want what they want, when they want it, as well as how they want it. Many more relationship would work even if people were different, if they compromised, gave a little more of themselves and genuinely showed care and appreciation for the other person. Therefore, if I know one of my friends is selfish and everything is always about them, no matter who I hook them up with, the relationship won’t work. In fact, I don’t feel comfortable hooking my quality friends up with individuals who only talk about themselves, don’t show humility, or are not ready to be in a serious relationship because they will not look introspectively and ask, “what could I be doing to attract these people in my life, what is it about me that needs to change?”. In fact, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye?” Matt 7:3 That’s a major problem, because ultimately no one can be happy when they only focus on what’s wrong with the other person.
I honestly feel there is someone for everyone and not just one person but many genres of people for everyone. Its all about how you respond to what you are given. Are you going to make the best out of the given situation, pick your battles and make compromises when necessary? First and foremost are you seeking God for your prince or your princess, your queen or your king? He already knows what you need and when you need it. If you go to Him first you won’t even need to ask anyone to hook you up and you won’t have to worry about getting a consolation prize.
In regards to the UC system… sadly their process reflects the relationship process in some ways. If they don’t feel like you are academically, socially or culturally ready they will refer you to some other institution to allow you time to grow, mature, learn and develop so you will be ready to compete on a higher level. Their expectations are extremely high for the rigor they provide and would hate for anyone to go to their school and crash and burn, lose motivation and drop out. Similarly in hooking someone up with a high quality “friend”, unless one is ready for the rigor that an amazing relationship requires, one might have to look back, take some prerequisites, mature, grow and learn and then be ready to transfer to a four-year university, so to speak. Sometimes, also, the Lord won’t give you who you want and need until you are truly ready to receive it.
I totally feel you on this one. This is the exact reason why I refuse to let anyone hook me up with someone. I find it incredibly insulting when someone tries to hook me up with someone not only they would ever give the time of day but they know I wouldn’t like. It’s like “do you think I’m such a loser that this is the best I could do?!” It’s infuriating…I don’t even like for people to make a joke about hooking me up with certain people.
I think people just don’t understand how insensitive and rude it is to try to hook you up with someone you would never be interested in.
Wow! Loving this entry! I confess! I have done this SEVERAL times to other people (hooking them up with the consolation prize), and now, I must reflectively remind myself that maybe this wasn’t cool…
Did I have ulterior motives by doing so? Yes. Were they conciously ill-willed actions? No. When I chose to hook up my aquaintances with a side order of fries, I really think that it was because I truly believed that they could not afford the full meal. So in an attempt to be SEMI-helpful (emphasis on semi), I’d throw a snack in the mix to at least tide them over, as my friend was sending off the “hungry” vibe.
I’ll give two scenarios; the receptionist at my job and the HVAC guy who came to refill my freon. Both parties are barely clearing 55-60 years old, don’t look their age yet don’t look 30 either. The receptionist constantly talks about her “needs” on the job and Mr. Fix It has been more than clear about his availability to me, should I need any other service that needed “fixing”.
At any rate, I played matchmaker earlier this year with both, connecting the receptionist with a janitor from a local school and her nemesis in the love game Mr. Fix It.
At no point did I ever think to myself, “Wow, these could be healthy matches that could grow to lifelong relationships…”
I was just trying to throw them a snack so they would stop bothering me…
Wow, thanks for making me do a price check this morning Rich!