The Blog of RichBrand

Back in 2005, I wrote a blog about Why black men and women are single, based on random thoughts I had after listening to a segment on the Michael Baisden radio show that talked about the same topic. Some of the key thoughts that I pointed out in that blog back then were the following: men and women are less likely to hold each other accountable for character in lieu of the “big Joker” (for men, our trump card is money or that “good good”, for women it’s looks), men and women are less likely to acknowledge their own shortcomings and why that’s holding them back.

Over the last few years I have talked about black women who end up in unfulfilled relationships because they settle, men and women who use their “trump card” as an excuse to be lazy in their approach to dating and relationships, women who don’t know the Trinity, what most good men consider a beautiful woman, and have also spoken on how we let psychological factors block our blessing in finding the right person for us. But to take us into 2010, I want to upgrade my thoughts from 2005 and give my readers a new perspective that you must factor in. This is a 2-part blog that will talk about what we can do to improve black relationships in 2010.

Here’s Part I:

I had an interesting conversation with my aunt over this holiday break about “what’s wrong with me”.  The conversation started based on a conversation I had a couple of weeks prior with a friend of mine about how “basic Betty Rubble” chicks always seem to be likely to get married, and why good men seem to flock to these women. My aunt mentioned that with men, she has learned that it’s not always about looks and it’s more about who fits their personality and their values. She broke it down for me about how there are 4 types of people: Needy, Caretaking, Independent Caretakers, and the Selfish Independent. Here’s a quick breakdown of each:

1. Needy: This person is someone who, although they may work and have an education, have a sense of dependence on another person in order for them to be complete and/or to survive. For example, there are some men who can’t cook or clean because mom always did it for them, and unless they know how to do it themselves, they need someone to do that for them (see Jody from “Baby Boy” and most of the pretty women you know as an example).

2. Caretaking: This person is someone who strives on being the provider (whether they provision is financial, domestic, physical, or all of the above). This is who we refer to as “Capt. Save ‘em” because they want to feel that their mate wouldn’t be complete without them; the void filler of sorts (“don’t worry baby, I can do this for you since you can’t do it for yourself”).

3. Independent Caretaker (or Interdependent): This person is someone who has no problem doing their own thing. They can provide for themselves in most ways that matter, but at the same time this person is looking for someone to grow with them and be their partner in the relationship. This person is someone with caretaking abilities, but will not take care of just anyone. Yes, they have no problem taking care of you, but they will require you to bring something to the table that shows you can do the same. (For those who know (or don’t know me), this is the category I fall in).

4. Selfish Independent: This is Mr/Ms. “I’ma do Me” to the fullest. They’re like the Addams Family (Hammer Version), where they do, say, live, play how they want to, and you can’t tell them otherwise. They don’t need anyone in their lives, and are so narcissistic about themselves and their goals and ambitions that no one else can fit in. These are likely your 40-year old bachelors who have never been married, don’t have any kids, who act like they are still 21, or a handful of career women who are looking to make their way to the top in their field and won’t stop til it happens.

Now that I have broken it down, depending on which person you think you fall into, here’s who you are most compatible with, depending on where they are in their life at the time.

Needy: You can only date a person who’s a caretaker who doesn’t require interdependence (hence why most pretty women are trained to go after a man with money and/or provides them the same benefits they were provided by their parental units).
Caretakers: Since you thrive on taking care of someone, your type is usually someone who is either a interdependent who will appreciate your services or a needy person. The key is that as a caretaker you must feel needed and/or wanted, and even if you don’t, you’re still going to be who you are.
Interdependent: As mentioned before, you have caretaking abilities, but will not show that side of yourself for anyone who you feel cannot bring a comparable package to the table, so your type is either another interdependent who you can partner with or a caretaker who will hold you down when you go through a turn in life. Needy people need not apply because sometimes they have issue with reciprocity and gratitude, so this will drive you crazy and most likely will force you to kick them to the curb if they don’t have any “act right”.
Selfish: Which do you prefer: manual or alkaline? (Forrest Gump voice) That’s all I have to say about that.

At one point or another, we have all fallen in and out of each of these categories, then we also have a category that we are normalized to be in for the most part. The reason why I brought this to light is because sometimes both men and women have the tendency to fall into a trap of dating the same type of person who falls into certain surface prerequisites (per se) and wondering why it doesn’t work out. It’s key that you identify these type of people (without prejudging them) to better focus your pool of potentials to save you less time (and money in some cases).

Let me know your thoughts on this. If you have none, go on to Part 2.