Back in 2005, I wrote a blog about Why black men and women are single, based on random thoughts I had after listening to a segment on the Michael Baisden radio show that talked about the same topic. Some of the key thoughts that I pointed out in that blog back then were the following: men and women are less likely to hold each other accountable for character in lieu of the “big Joker” (for men, our trump card is money or that “good good”, for women it’s looks), men and women are less likely to acknowledge their own shortcomings and why that’s holding them back.
Over the last few years I have talked about black women who end up in unfulfilled relationships because they settle, men and women who use their “trump card” as an excuse to be lazy in their approach to dating and relationships, women who don’t know the Trinity, what most good men consider a beautiful woman, and have also spoken on how we let psychological factors block our blessing in finding the right person for us. But to take us into 2010, I want to upgrade my thoughts from 2005 and give my readers a new perspective that you must factor in. This is a 2-part blog that will talk about what we can do to improve black relationships in 2010.
In Part I, I talked about knowing what type of person you are and knowing who’s compatible with you and focusing your dating to that type of person, and not a person’s resume (per se). With that being said, here’s Part II:
Last week, ABC Nightline featured a segment on the plight of Single Black Women and how there is a shortage of eligible black men (meaning they are educated, heterosexual, employed, and no criminal record) for them to be aligned to in holy matrimony, let alone fall in love with (which as my Phi Sig bro Doogie pointed out is missing in this equation, but that’s another story). The segment talked about four women who reside in Atlanta who range from their late 20′s to mid 30′s who all say they are running into the same issues in regards to finding good (enough) black men to date. All four of these women would be women that most men would date based on looks along (if we knew nothing else), but for some reason are still out there and open to being with the right man for them.
My Challenge to the Men:
As Steve Harvey alluded to in this same segment, the example of what a “good black man” should be is missing in the rearing of most black men in our society today. This has been a downtrend since the 60′s when more black men were taken out of the home and either put in jail or on drugs, which then provided the blueprint for the decline of black men in our society today. Without black men in the home to be that positive example for how men should treat women, and how women should expect to be treated, it has caused a disconnect in the way we interact today as black men and women. However, black men need to stop using this 50 year old excuse (and the slavery excuse) as to why we are the way that we are, because there is NO EXCUSE for how some of us treat black women, NONE. Granted, we need to be aware of how societal changes have blurred the line of gender roles, but there are certain things that we as men should still do as the head of household, as the MAN (and show those qualities when courting a woman): Know how to manage the household budget (regardless of who makes the most money), be a spiritual, mental, and emotional advisor for your wife and children, protect the family physically from any dangerous element (does not mean you have to be a MMA fighter or Dirty Harry, but have enough common sense to get your girl out the club if something’s about to pop off, for example), and protect your woman in other ways by doing right by her (for example, don’t be an infidel, and if you are going to mess up and step out, USE PROTECTION so that you don’t do what Magic Johnson almost did and bring home an STD to his wife). Granted, brothas, we are not always going to be perfect (and a good woman knows that), but what we must be at ALL times is accountable and responsible for who we are, and what we do to ourselves and to other people (we’re held to that standard at work, it’s not different behind closed doors). Our black women are demanding that more of us stand up and take back our place in our society. We can’t try to make it happen, you have to decide within yourself (if you haven’t already done so) to do you part in taking our place back, to STAND UP and be a man. In the words of Yoda “Do or do not, there is no try.”
Challenge to the Ladies:
In the same segment, there was talk about how the requirements of some women can be somewhat unrealistic and unfair. Steve Harvey brings up the point that there are some women who are very well off, yet require a man who has more than them. “If you make $150k, does that mean he has to make $150k or more?!” In the case of some women, they still hold to this standard and wonder why they run into nothing but Broke Black Men. Well, if making less than $100k is broke, then you are going to eliminate even more men that way than with any other metric you may have. In the mind of some women, that’s considered settling, especially if they are on the better side of the aesthetic or financial tree. Here’s the thing ladies: if you are successful and “got it going on”, dating a man who makes less money than you is not necessarily DATING DOWN, contrary to what momma taught you.
Now for those ladies who already got that memo, a man’s not going to get at you (and keep his attention only on you) just because you’re cute, got a degree , have a job, can cook, clean, and is unselfish in bed; it takes more than that. Hate to say it but, there are thousands of women just like you who live in your city that have that (and we won’t even talk about the skew of the numbers at HBCU’s), AND more. Any man who knows the ratio and understands his own self-worth is going to want to know what is it about you that makes you stand out; what is that WOW factor that will make you better than the next chick; your mere existence is NOT ENOUGH to stop you from getting rejected. Keep in mind that what might WOW me is not going to WOW my boy or my line brother or WOW Shaq or WOW Lebron. So think on what makes you STAND OUT and makes you a differentiator outside of your money, your assets, and your looks.
Challenge to Both:
This one is pretty simple; realize that NOBODY’s perfect. The one for you is not going to have everything you (feel you) need from your potential mate, but at the same time do not just settle with the aim of completing your life accomplishment checklist or meeting a deadline. Does it matter that he/she doesn’t come from the same pedigree as you? Does it matter that he/she has to love (only) hip-hop music and jazz lovers need not apply? Does it matter what org they pledged, or that he/she dated someone that you are loosely connected to within one of the orgs you’re apart of? Does it matter how many friends of the opposite sex he/she has? Does it matter that he/she has a 4 inch random hair that grows somewhere on his/her body that makes you go “arrrruuuuuuuu”? Does it matter that he/she is a Lakers or Celtics fan? Does his/her past matter as much to you as you want yours to matter to him/her?
We all have the tendency to be judgmental about the people we encounter for one reason or another, but think about how many blessings (personal and professional) that have been denied or deferred to you because you were not positioned to receive them or because we let “our peeps” put doubts in our head.
As I challenge myself in 2010 to do self-assessment on myself and what I need to go to accomplish my professional and personal goals, I challenge you all to do the same and to stop building bridges to nowhere and monuments of nothingness, because all that does is put you right back to square one every time. Realize that we are ALL a work in progress, and God’s not through with us yet until he calls us home. So everyday you wake up, think of a way of how you will improve yourself, how you will step into your calling as a man/woman, and how you will become the obvious choice. Life’s not a game people, and working your faith is mandatory.
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