I received a very lengthy (in comparison) response to my blog about my Leverage Factor blog I wrote a couple of days ago. I also received some side comments on facebook about it as well. I was going to reply within the actual blog comments, but a lengthy criticism deserves a lengthy rebuttal. I will show, in its entirety, M’s response:
1) The idea that most women have planned out their engagements and/or weddings is a stereotype. I haven’t nor have I even heard another women talk about her perfect engagement/wedding. The only time I’ve even heard another woman mention rings was when she thought an engagement was eminent. The topic/concern for some was that the man would pick a ring she didn’t like (since she would be wearing it for a long time). The story about girl who had her ring specs decided was a fluke. We all could pull out a crazy, weird dating story, that doesn’t mean it’s the norm. (BTW, I hope your ran screaming from her)
2) You freely admit the reality show, not Jacklyn, created the drama by bringing her ex back into the picture so to use that as an example is misleading. Reality shows also takes days/weeks of footage and compress it into a few moments. You don’t think they pick and choose the pieces that fit the story they want to tell? Reality shows are exaggerations of real life and create caricatures of people.
3) I’m not sure why you’re acting like women are the only ones who date too soon after a break-up or that they have nefarious purposes when they go back to an ex. Both men and women are often told after break-ups that they need to begin dating others, usually when they tell someone they’re still hurting. (Bad advice in my opinion.) So both men and women sometimes begin dating others too quickly. Just because someone goes back to an ex after they’ve started dating a new person doesn’t mean they dated the new person just to make their ex jealous. They might have actually liked the new person. Maybe it happened because they were not over their ex when they started dating someone else.
Just for the record, I’ve never tried to make an ex jealous or broken up with someone to date an ex. I’ve never had a woman tell me she’s done this either.
Well M…………..
1. I went to school with a lot of sistas where Plan A was their MRS, and getting a degree was a backup plan just in case they had to actually have a career for themselves. Some grew up spoiled and had daddy take care of them, and it was instilled in them that a man was to provide everything for them, but until that man finds them, do for yourself. You’re talking about classical conditioning here where some women, from the time they play with Barbie Dolls, are told that these are your validations of womanhood (in which the notion of “taking care of yourself and being ok with that” ISN’T one of them). I also lived in Atlanta for a year where, despite its progression in comparison to other southern cities, is STILL the South. Still behind the times in certain things. I ran into a decent amount of women there where, once they turned 25 or headed towards it, they were in PANIC mode. It was this feeling that they failed as women because they were 25 and haven’t walked down the aisle yet. Now, while it’s good to know a woman’s intentions from jump, don’t shove your timeline down a man’s throat. And yes, I ran like hell from bridezilla. And no, the ring specs story is not a fluke. A good amount of the women I know have prereqs for their engagement ring, and some have been bold enough to say they will accept or reject the proposal based on the size of the ring. Yes, I will admit that I know some shallow women, but I’m from LA so what do you expect. LOL
2. In this case, the reality show did create the drama in the example that I used (I’ll give you that), but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women (and men) out there that don’t engage in deliberate drama themselves. I was using the show as a high level example of the types of scenarios I have actually seen in my young life. To think that what happened with Jacklyn on the show DOESN’T happen in real life on the daily is a very naive assumption. You won’t BELIEVE some of the stories I have heard in terms of drama.
3. I definitely acknowledge that men do these types of things as well. It’s just that, as men, we’re more transparent about in most cases about it though. We’re more likely to break up with someone, and go and smash something else the next night, and not take any emotional stock in ourselves before we do so. As men, we’re conditioned to MAN UP and recover faster (or at least front like we recovered). The problem is that because of how society is, we as men aren’t given the same allowance to deal with our emotions as women are. So do we as men use chicks for leverage? Hell yeah we do. Both men and women (intentionally and subconsciously) do this. The only time you date too soon is when you don’t have full closure in your heart about a situation. I look at the past being the past, and if things don’t align (at least in the ballpark of alignment), then you need to let it go; I don’t believe in taking backwards steps, and if it’s supposed to work, you won’t need to break up with someone to make it so. But here’s the thing: bringing it to a close in your mind and heart is key before you look to move on with anyone else, and you shouldn’t look as someone else as a replacement or a substitute. A man (or woman) with high self-value will not compete for your heart with someone else that didn’t do right by it the first time, and if you’re dumb enough to remain loyal and apathetic in terms of your heart and mind, then it’s on you to figure all that out before you get back in the game.
And it’s admirable that you’ve never done this, or know anyone that has done it. Which tells me you fall into one of three categories: you’re just 100% truthful and know how to cut your losses (which I hope most likely applies to you), you’re in a relationship right now and it doesn’t apply, or… men just don’t get jealous once they’re done with you.
Re: #1
I went to school in Atlanta, live in LA, and maybe I just didn’t run with enough of the shallow, spoiled princesses, because these “MRS” chicks were few and far between. I have never discussed fantasy weddings or engagements (especially in such detail) with friends. Outside of admiring pretty gowns in a store/wedding/show/movie, marriage is not a big point of discussion for us.
I’m with M on this one: stereotype. Don’t apply your limited experience to all women.
Can’t argue with your “don’t try to trick anyone into loving/marrying you” argument though; that’s just common sense.
Rich,
Where were you meeting these women…lol! As an Af-Am women from a predominately black city, graduate of an HBCU, and member of a sorority…I can say with confidence that the women you describe, while they do exist, are certainly not in the majority.
I saw that VH1 show…Honestly, I think Jacklyn was young & confused. Simple fact her ex was familiar. I don’t think it’s a case of leverage at all. She liked Brock, but the “familiar” ex came w/ the proposal…something she always “thought” she wanted…she jumped the Brock ship.
Was this smart? No. Was it human? Yes. If she ever went back to Brock, in sincerity, he could forgive her. If not oh well…he’s not for her anyway.
I’ve been to about 10 weddings in the past 3 years (it’s just that season of life right now for my age range).
The truth is for many couples it’s a long road to the alter (particularly if the relationship began early to mid 20s). There can be periods of break ups where someone was dating someone else and then the couple gets back together….and a whole bunch of other stuff. You’d be surprised if you knew every couples’ real story (the couple wedding websites don’t say everything you know…lol!).
The best couples have aaaalll been tested, made mistakes, forgiven, and made it work. If you are meant to be together you’ll find your way back. Whatever needs to be forgiven (read: within reason! Not talking about maury povich drama) can be forgiven.