Archive for May, 2009

26
May
09

Aesthetic and Apathetic

By richbrand 4 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I was out with some friends on Friday to start my 365 day countdown to the new 20, and the topic came up about a facebook status that I put up the previous week concerning the reactions to when you hear that someone is in a relationship/engaged/married. By this point, I had a couple in me, so I was being totally 100 with folks and letting them know (without the politeness) what I really thought. I said that, for the exception of one woman I have dated, although I have been happy when some of them have moved on and met someone else and built with them, I don’t think any of them were better for that girl than I was. PERIOD!!! Of course someone had to say, “well Rich, maybe they wanted them more than you did and did more to get them. Like your blog said, maybe they were just pressed.”

I admitted that very well could be the case, and that sometimes I believe that a lot of women more caught up in a man who satisfies the courtship checklist versus the right man for them. Given that I personally know a couple of women who came to that epiphany several weeks before they were to walk down the aisle, it’s a valid assumption (maybe more exceptional and a pattern, but still valid). Then my homegirl said ,”well maybe because they may not be the best dressed, the most charming, the best looking, the most in shape, have the best career, etc., but they did what they had to do to get her, and maybe you didn’t”. I held my grit in that I didn’t want to react, but she elaborated further:
I have found that men and women who are attractive and/or well off tend to be lazier in the dating game because they feel they don’t need to work as hard, don’t have to do as much. They figure that, because of who they are and/or what they have, that they will always have options. It’s usually the ones with the least amount of options that more likely to land someone and get married.
With all of the experiences in my life, I have definitely seen this as a pattern. Women complain about “successful” brothas who conduct themselves in such a fashion and don’t feel they need to work to get a chick, and brothas complain about that stuck up, model looking chick with the fat ass who requires high-level caking to keep her attention but don’t do a damn thing for him. And what’s the reward? The privilege of being with that person?! Ummmmm……….. yeah. And of course you’re thinking, “Why should I bust my ass to satisfy their lazy ass?”

Ok, the LA Brotha in me struggles with this often somewhat, and so does the “successful” brotha in me. As my female best friend said to me, it’s not about arrogance or being bourgeois, it’s about staying in your lane, and if your lane has a certain speed limit, then why slow down. But……….. at the same time, having that mentality in every aspect of your life will not get you anywhere, and will not always get you what you want. Regardless of how good you think you look, how stacked your bank account is, how many degrees you have, or how deep your roster is, it takes work to obtain and more work to maintain. Nothing in life worth obtaining is going to be just given to you. In your personal AND professional life, you have to know what it is that you want and position yourself to obtain it. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you deserve it or are entitled to it.

In the working world, and in dating, aesthetics are definitely important, but it’s only part of the whole package. After while, looks fade, and competency takes total precedence over how it is you look. So ladies, if you got that (job/man) because of your looks, make sure your competency and performance are parallel. Brothas, don’t deal with any woman who wouldn’t date you if you didn’t work on Wall Street, or were a junior partner at that downtown law firm. Don’t let your looks (ladies) or your paper (brothas) dictate how you treat other people. It’s not a good look.

I know I probably rambled a bit, but I’m curious to hear what the readers think on this subject.
Do you run into this often? Let me know.

10
May
09

RichBrand’s response to M (re: Leverage Factor)

By richbrand 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I received a very lengthy (in comparison) response to my blog about my Leverage Factor blog I wrote a couple of days ago. I also received some side comments on facebook about it as well. I was going to reply within the actual blog comments, but a lengthy criticism deserves a lengthy rebuttal. I will show, in its entirety, M’s response:
1) The idea that most women have planned out their engagements and/or weddings is a stereotype. I haven’t nor have I even heard another women talk about her perfect engagement/wedding. The only time I’ve even heard another woman mention rings was when she thought an engagement was eminent. The topic/concern for some was that the man would pick a ring she didn’t like (since she would be wearing it for a long time). The story about girl who had her ring specs decided was a fluke. We all could pull out a crazy, weird dating story, that doesn’t mean it’s the norm. (BTW, I hope your ran screaming from her)

2) You freely admit the reality show, not Jacklyn, created the drama by bringing her ex back into the picture so to use that as an example is misleading. Reality shows also takes days/weeks of footage and compress it into a few moments. You don’t think they pick and choose the pieces that fit the story they want to tell? Reality shows are exaggerations of real life and create caricatures of people.

3) I’m not sure why you’re acting like women are the only ones who date too soon after a break-up or that they have nefarious purposes when they go back to an ex. Both men and women are often told after break-ups that they need to begin dating others, usually when they tell someone they’re still hurting. (Bad advice in my opinion.) So both men and women sometimes begin dating others too quickly. Just because someone goes back to an ex after they’ve started dating a new person doesn’t mean they dated the new person just to make their ex jealous. They might have actually liked the new person. Maybe it happened because they were not over their ex when they started dating someone else.

Just for the record, I’ve never tried to make an ex jealous or broken up with someone to date an ex. I’ve never had a woman tell me she’s done this either.

Well M…………..

1. I went to school with a lot of sistas where Plan A was their MRS, and getting a degree was a backup plan just in case they had to actually have a career for themselves. Some grew up spoiled and had daddy take care of them, and it was instilled in them that a man was to provide everything for them, but until that man finds them, do for yourself. You’re talking about classical conditioning here where some women, from the time they play with Barbie Dolls, are told that these are your validations of womanhood (in which the notion of “taking care of yourself and being ok with that” ISN’T one of them). I also lived in Atlanta for a year where, despite its progression in comparison to other southern cities, is STILL the South. Still behind the times in certain things. I ran into a decent amount of women there where, once they turned 25 or headed towards it, they were in PANIC mode. It was this feeling that they failed as women because they were 25 and haven’t walked down the aisle yet. Now, while it’s good to know a woman’s intentions from jump, don’t shove your timeline down a man’s throat. And yes, I ran like hell from bridezilla. And no, the ring specs story is not a fluke. A good amount of the women I know have prereqs for their engagement ring, and some have been bold enough to say they will accept or reject the proposal based on the size of the ring. Yes, I will admit that I know some shallow women, but I’m from LA so what do you expect. LOL

2. In this case, the reality show did create the drama in the example that I used (I’ll give you that), but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women (and men) out there that don’t engage in deliberate drama themselves. I was using the show as a high level example of the types of scenarios I have actually seen in my young life. To think that what happened with Jacklyn on the show DOESN’T happen in real life on the daily is a very naive assumption. You won’t BELIEVE some of the stories I have heard in terms of drama.

3. I definitely acknowledge that men do these types of things as well. It’s just that, as men, we’re more transparent about in most cases about it though. We’re more likely to break up with someone, and go and smash something else the next night, and not take any emotional stock in ourselves before we do so. As men, we’re conditioned to MAN UP and recover faster (or at least front like we recovered). The problem is that because of how society is, we as men aren’t given the same allowance to deal with our emotions as women are. So do we as men use chicks for leverage? Hell yeah we do. Both men and women (intentionally and subconsciously) do this. The only time you date too soon is when you don’t have full closure in your heart about a situation. I look at the past being the past, and if things don’t align (at least in the ballpark of alignment), then you need to let it go; I don’t believe in taking backwards steps, and if it’s supposed to work, you won’t need to break up with someone to make it so. But here’s the thing: bringing it to a close in your mind and heart is key before you look to move on with anyone else, and you shouldn’t look as someone else as a replacement or a substitute. A man (or woman) with high self-value will not compete for your heart with someone else that didn’t do right by it the first time, and if you’re dumb enough to remain loyal and apathetic in terms of your heart and mind, then it’s on you to figure all that out before you get back in the game.

And it’s admirable that you’ve never done this, or know anyone that has done it. Which tells me you fall into one of three categories: you’re just 100% truthful and know how to cut your losses (which I hope most likely applies to you), you’re in a relationship right now and it doesn’t apply, or… men just don’t get jealous once they’re done with you.

06
May
09

The Leverage Factor (and the women who use it)

By richbrand 7 Comments
Categories: Love Talk & Slow Jams and Random Thoughts/Observations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One of the things that’s a common trait in most women is that, from the time that they are young, there are 2 days that they dream of: the day they’re proposed to, and the day they actually walk down the aisle. They spend countless hours planning both of these BEFORE they even get the guy they want to have this experience with. They know all of the specs on the ring they want to get – for example, a girl I dated told me straight up she wants a Princess Cut m platinum engagement ring with a certified non-blood 3 karat, VS1 minimum clarity diamond on top, lined with another carat of baguettes on the side……. and it has to come from Tiffany’s – and they know what dress they want, what size they need to get down to fit into it, and they know the exact venue of the wedding, who they want on the guestlist, which one of their exes they WON’T tell about it, and the architecture of the first home she will live in with her husband.

One woman who embodied this mentality was Jacklyn from VH1′s reality show “Tough Love”. She had this goal to be married by 25, and all of the aforementioned stuff was already planned, so all she needed was the guy. Her problem was that her aggressive timeline and forwardness with her intentions scared a lot of men off, including her ex boyfriend Greg, whom she left to attend the “boot camp”.
(now we get into the meat of this blog)

While Jacklyn was at camp, she met this wonderful guy named Brock who she felt was someone who was willing to “step up to the plate” and build a relationship with her. The host Steven, however, threw Jacklyn for a loop when he set up a gathering at the house where Brock was there, along with her ex Greg, who was flown in for the show. Steven did this as a test to see if Jacklyn could let go of the past and move on. Brock showed during the party that he was more aggressive in his pursuit of Jacklyn, which made Greg feel, and look, a little salty on the show.

There’s a saying that (paraphrasing) “the most beautiful woman in world is your ex on another man’s arm”. I guess Greg took that to heart with a huge sense of urgency. Once Jacklyn returned home, Greg was at the airport waiting for her with a ring in tow. Despite what Jacklyn said on the show (more or less that she moved on and wants to build with Brock), she accepted the proposal and decided to kick Brock to the curb. Unfortunately for Greg, the ring wasn’t enough to keep Jacklyn around as she ended up leaving him a few months after because he didn’t have any act right.

What you just read is an example of what a handful of women have done since God knows when: in order to get something they want out of the man they’re with, they will use another man as leverage to get it, ESPECIALLY if what they want is an official commitment (in other words, put a ring on it like Beyonce). Most men, whether they know it or not, admit it or not, have been used in this way by women. Think about movies like “Two Can Play that Game” and its sequel “Three Can Play that Game”. The former was about a woman establishing control of the relationship by using tactics (including the leverage of another man) to exude power. The sequel was about a woman using similar tactics in order to get her man to propose (which he ended up doing).

“So Rich, what’s your point?”

Here it is ladies……….. if you have to resort to such tactics to get what you want out of your man, YOU’RE WITH THE WRONG DAMN MAN!!! If you’re not truly simpatico with your man, everything will align and you have nothing to worry about. You won’t have to resort to games for your goals to be fulfilled within your relationship because you will both be in it with the same goal in mind, which should be to build a relationship that’s headed toward MARRIAGE, not the hottest proposal or the sickest wedding day. It’s like playing a pick up game of basketball; you can have the sickest moves and the tightest dunks, but if you go away losing the game it don’t mean a damn thing. In other words, you can have the most romantic wedding proposal just like the Case video, you can have the most beautiful, shiny ring to put your girlfriends to shame, and you can have the sickest destination wedding in Turks and Caicos; you can have a man who does all of the right things for you, but NONE of that matters if your marriage fails because you’re not with the RIGHT MAN. And what you could end up doing is miss out on the right man by using another man as leverage as part of your game to reach your goal.

As I mentioned before, most men have been used in this light. To add a personal touch, I will man up and say this has happened to me on more than one occasion. However, the lesson you learn is to ask the right questions from the jump and don’t be afraid of the answers you might receive in return; get it out the way, establish expectations and boundaries, and it will lessen the BS you might encounter later on down the line. It’s not out of pocket (regardless of what women may tell you) to ask about a woman’s history early on in the “getting to know” process (not on the first date, but early on). If she is less than 100 days out of a relationship, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, regardless of the reason why they broke up. Chances are that feelings have not been totally cut off, and in the event the woman does try to use you as leverage, 60-90 days is the typical amount of time most men take to do what he needs to do to get the proposal together.

I’m a brotha who knows his worth and understands his options, hence why I have a ZERO tolerance policy for these type of women in my life. Maybe it’s the Gemini in me, but using a man as leverage is straight up disrespect, shows the pisspoor-ness of your true character and is subject to an automatic and non-negotiable exfoliation from my life. I believe that I’m a good man (as I’m sure most brothas who are reading this also believe about themselves as well), and, even though I’m an imperfect work in progress, I’m good enough for ANY la woman that comes into my life. With that mentality, I have too much pride to keep those type of women in my life; it’s not cool.

Just like I as a man am responsible for (how I treat) the women in my life, whether I date them or not, women have the same mandate. At the same time, who cares if you get what you want in the end, right ladies?

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