About an hour ago, I was checking through my emails on one of my email accounts, and came across a thread on a listserv I’m on that was talking about who was thought of as black and beautiful in 2008 (male and female). Of course some guys named the usual chicks (Sanaa Lathan, Halle Berry, Kerry Washington, Lauren London, etc) and the women named their usual (Obama, Denzel, Morris Chestnut, etc). Then, in a noble gesture, one of the guys made a list of some of the women on the serv (good move), which of course had some (accidential I hope) omissions from the list. I thought about if I wanted to respond on this listserv with my own list (………….right), or if I wanted to give my interpretation of what I consider beautiful, I decided instead of telling them, I would just let the world know where I stand on this, especially since a lot of my female friends consider me superficial and shallow. So I’m gonna kill multiple birds with one stone.
For those who come across this and don’t want to read alot, here’s the executive summary:
Beautiful Woman = (External Attractiveness + Great Personality + (Character *Values *Spirituality)) – Baggage(X)
Now, notice the order in which I put all of that in, and of course when you look at it from that way, of course you’re going to make your assumption of my LA-ness per se. But here’s the thing: What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet them? ………….. exactly, their physical appearance. For men, if we’re smart, we go from head to toe and check someone out before we speak to them, regardless of where it’s at (although I will say some dumbass dudes out there have this issue where they only look from neck to knee and lower their standards, but I digress). Of course women do the same (just with more attention to our dress and mannerisms). This gets you in the door. Now everything I say from this point is what keeps you in the house, and also determines where in the house you will have access to, or if I send yo ass to the yard or the street.
Once we sign off on if a person satisfies our external prereqs (tangible and intangible), then we figure out if there’s chemistry in how we interact with each other. Is the person easy to talk to? Do you have basic things in common? Do you run out of things to say after 45 seconds? Is this person fun to be around? etc etc. In most cases, coming in cold, that’s the second thing you assess with a person when you meet them and learn about them.
Now when you get into a person’s character, values, and spirituality, then you get into the core of what makes a person who they are. For me, this is what I look at: Are they a Christian? (anything else and our friendship would be limited, and dating will never happen) Do they go to church every sunday, and cussing out their family every monday? Are they conscious of what’s going on within Black America? What do they want to do with their life, and how? What type of music are they into? What’s their artistic outlet? And is all of this compatible to where I stand on all of these things?
Now, what there needs to be a containment on is the amount of unnecessary baggage a woman has in her life (within her control). Now, I will admit there are certain areas of concern where this is concerned (see Phyllis Hyman and her emotional problems as an example), but there are some things that you just have to let go; certain monkeys on your back that are there because you keep them there, or feel that you have something to prove in life to men. Naw, that’s not needed. The more bags of BS you are carrying, the worse it is for you in my book………. PERIOD. Yes, we all have problems/issues/crazy, we all are not perfect, but when it gets in your own way, then that’s a showstopper.
Now, if you have all of these things in the affirmative, then to me, you are TRULY a beautiful woman. The problem is that a lot of women THINK they fit into this category of beautiful because they have one of those things, but in my book you don’t make the cut. There are some women I know who I would sleep with, all things equal, right now, but I would hate to have to wake up next to them and have to hear her damn mouth. And there are some women I can talk to on the phone with for hours, go to church with, listen to jazz with, watch basketball with, but couldn’t buy enough bars to get me drunk enough to think of them as “FINE”. Then there are some that I’m attracted to, that are great to be around, and on paper would be wifey IF she didn’t get in their own way because of some crutch she has. There’s something about all of us that could make us “UGLY” to another person, but, if you haven’t understood what I have said so far, beauty isn’t just how you look on the outside; the inside matters just as much.
Now, for those ladies over the years that I have called beautiful and don’t fulfill these standards, I apologize for lying to you, I’ll have to use another politically correct complimentary adjective next time to let you know you CGI or that you’re sexy. But if anyone ever wanted to know where I truly stand on this and not make assumptions, then consider yourself officially educated.
Good blog my dude!
I agree with what you said. A lot of people front as if outer beauty isnt a determining factor in whether they are feeling someone. Realism needs to be conveyed on both ends in order to progress in a relationship or even to have a working relationship.
Makes sense… just gotta put it into practice.
Rich, well said.
I am sensing a double standard here. Men are told to set there standards to achieve a beautiful woman (all be it you include what your specific criterion is in regards to your formula, the end result is to obtain a “beautiful woman”) However, through out my youth I have been told by many older women to “get you an ugly man”. The theory on this statement is that less attractive men will treat you better than a “fine” man would, even that they will appreciate, and worship you where a good looking man would not. I fine that a tough pill to swallow. In marriage men are encouraged to raise their standards while women are encouraged to lower theirs.
Umm but that’s just my side bar.
As usual Rich, well done
Rich, well said. I think I may have to appropriate your equation for my own purposes. I think it’s your best blog yet!
Great blog…I wonder who the women are that would make your list? It would be interesting to know if some of your criterion could be compromised for the right woman.
Here is the exeuctive summary of a beautiful woman from The Beautiful Women Project (www.beautifulwomenproject.org):
Life + Experience = Beauty.
It is how a woman meets her challenges and carries her experiences that makes her beautiful in her present moment.
I also agree with Miranda and wonder what your selections would look like our add up to.
Many times people say they want a total package but let their first impressions ( standard of external beauty) outweigh any other characteristics.
Beauty is only skin deep but it may put you miles ahead of an unattractive or aight candidate and sometimes that is part of the problem.
My 2 cents..:)
I agree whole heartedly with Nancy and think this applies to men as well.
Okay “attractiveness”/appearance matters….but I find that this has more to do with chemistry than a specific combination of features. I know too many individuals who are happily married to “not their type” (whatever it was). Their chosen life partner/soul mate (whatever you call it) did not look like the picture they had in their head. Chemistry or lack there of will make someone less or more attractive period. So I think go for chemistry in that department.
Other than that these days I really observe how people handle/ carry their life experiences, challenges, changes. This is definitely how I see beauty. I want to know how someone will be when life knocks the wind out of them, how they handle stress,…etc. What did they learn from these experiences/challenges/changes? Did they grow/mature as a result (are they willing to, can they, will they learn how or keep repeating those challenges)?
Life AND relationships are guaranteed to be up and down for periods of time. Personally, I need to know that someone can celebrate the ups with me (in the manner in which I like to celebrate
) and that I can look to this someone during the downs for support because I know they can look to me. All other things aside (attractiveness, things in common, etc…) the person who meets their challenges and carries their experience well is a person whom I can respect, trust, and ultimately love (if its meant to be of course).
BTW – I know men can’t stand when women run a checklist off on them (like hmmm he’s cute- check, educated – check, salary – check…etc.) Women can’t stand it either. Not saying that that’s what you mean in your blog but just an additional thought for men (and women) “checkin’” people out.
My friend put it best (re: checklist): It breeds mistrust and resentment. Basically, it makes a person feel like at the end of the day it never really mattered who they were on the inside and they begin to mistrust/resent the basis of the relationship. It’s like well you’re pretty, educated, go to church, and laugh at my jokes so you’ll do. Turn off big time
And yes we know (like men know) when you’re doing it…:)
I’m not going to comment here as if you speak for all men. I’ll just say to know you and read this from you, I am smiling. I’m smiling because these are beautiful traits and it’s indeed what we ALL (men and women) should strive for, not only to be beautiful individuals, but to create “beautiful” and healthy relationships and families.
Women are not easy to deal with by any means. Some want you (men) to do and handle a lot, but are very particular when it comes to taking responsibility for their own appearance (esp the internal make up). They don’t quite want you to list flaws or demand that they meet certain criteria…and why not? I’m certainly going to have a few hoops for a man to jump, so I expect that my A game needs to be brought and maintained…in multiple areas.
I’m just glad that someone realizes that “beauty” is subjective and that it very well takes much more than a cute face and certain other amenities to sustain a partnership. Poor Halle Berry is an excellent example of that…
I like the equation set forth above, that is right on the money.
You hit the nail right on the head! A definite must-read for all brothers, & also sisters. I made the worst mistake of my life a few years ago going mostly for external beauty and learnt my lesson the hard way. But that has helped me to look beyond the ‘physicals’.
This is to all the dudes: ‘The inner beauty lasts forever’